Le choix du coeur
by Kitty Black Cat
Summary: Post ep Thursday May 20th. Luke is left at the bar with a heart constricting and a mind more confused then ever. Can someone help him figure out the way to his own heart so he can choose? this will be a LuRe
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own ATWT or its characters...If I did Luke and Reid would have been together for quite a while now.

Note: this fic happens after the episode of Thursday May 20th, right after the bar scene that left me kinda sad.

Also, this is my first ATWT fic AND my first "romantic relationship" fic.

Note 2: **Big THANK YOU to Rukelover for reading this and giving me her opinion and enough confidence to post this online (and for being awesome!)**

Note 3(sorry) English is my second language and after today's episode, I felt the need to post this to try cheering myself up, so it's not beta-ed. Sorry . thanks Rukelover for proposing yourself to do it though. I'll probably take you up on that later on!

"blah blah" and - means speech

'blah, blah' means thoughts

**Chapter 1 **

Luke Snyder sat at the bar, slouched in his seat, as he watched yet another man reject his presence today 'Well, isn't this becoming a recurring theme?' he thought bitterly.

It seemed that every action he took was unwelcome or unappreciated nowadays. First Noah pushed him constantly when he became blind, up to the point where there was no other solution then breaking up. Then, when things seemed to calm down with Noah and he accepted his presence again, Reid was the one furious because of the closeness between him and Noah. He was angry because he thought Luke wanted to forget that anything had happened between them, yet when Luke decided to tell Noah about it and acknowledged that there was something going on with Reid, he was told he was being inconsiderate and selfish! And then Noah, who was all "I never stopped loving you. I want you back" pushed him away yet again, only minutes before Reid put another nail in the coffin by telling him he couldn't do this.

'What do these guys want me to do, huh? What do you want me to do Reid? To quote you _What do you want from me_?'

Luke didn't know what to do anymore. He was at lost. He wanted to do what was best. He didn't want to hurt anybody but the only thing he succeeded in doing was antagonizing the men he… The men he what was the question. Everything was just a big ugly mess.

"Luke, honey, there you are"

Lily Snyder had been worried. Her son was clearly in a confused state of mind when she left him at the hospital. She thought that provoking his reflection by asking him these questions would guide him towards an answer to his problems but now she was unsure. Not to mention the conversations she had with both and Noah, cheering them on both in hope they would put all their cards on the table so her son could make an advised decision, instead of just jumping in a new relationship that may not be what he needs to be happy. What if she had just made things worse for her boy? Oh why couldn't she just stop meddling? Deep down, she knew the answer. She was unhappy and she couldn't bear for her son to be too. 'Hell is paved with good intentions as they say' Lily thought to herself, silently sending a prayer that her meddling would not come back to bite her behind later on.

" Luke! I was worried when I couldn't find you at the hospital. Noah told me what happened.

-Yeah I was ditched again, Luke replied bitterly. Apparently, it's the healthiest lifestyle one can have, since everyone seems to be applying it.

-Luke, you know that's not true.

-Really Mom? When was the last time Casey, Allison or Maddie contacted me? Without Noah being there I mean. Face it mom. Noah and Reid just followed the new trend.

-No baby that's not what they did. I think…I think they did what they thought was best for you. You know, Noah told me told him to fight for what he wanted, to fight for you.

-Really? Are you sure?

-Yes."

Luke felt a rock the size of Texas fall in his stomach. Reid had told Noah to get back together with Luke. Reid. The guy who had kissed him in Dallas. The guy who had made it clearly known that he was interested in Luke and that he deserved better than how Noah was treating him. The one who tried and failed(quite miserably too) at not being jealous of Luke and Noah's interactions. The one who refused categorically to pretend nothing had happened between them. The one from whom one look could sent Luke to the happiest of places, as well as to the hottest, and whose eyes pierced deeply right into him every time he encountered them. Reid Oliver, the man who had made him feel more wanted than he'd ever been and feel more alive and passionate than he had felt in years, had told Noah to fight to get Luke back. Suddenly, Reid's departure from the bar felt much more final. Luke swallowed hard and repeated his mantra 'I will not cry' like a broken record. He had messed everything up. How can a man go from wanting him to telling his ex-boyfriend that he's welcome to him?

" Luke? Are you okay?"

"- No, _Luke answered his voiced trembling as he tried to keep the flow of tears inside_, I'm not okay mom. I'm…I don't understand. Reid told me he wanted me. How…How do you go from wanting someone to letting them go?

- I don't know sweetie. How do you go from wanting to help your boyfriend, the love of your life, recover to breaking up with him?

- That's not the same thing mom, you know that.

- No, actually Luke I think you're wrong. I think it's exactly the same thing. You wanted to be with Noah still when you broke up right?

- Of course. Back then, it was what I wanted most.

- Then why did you break up?

- Because… because he didn't want me there, mom. He didn't…it was the only thing I could do. The only thing that would make him if not happy then not so miserable either.

- So you let Noah go because you wanted him to be happy right? Don't you think that maybe Dr. Oliver and Noah both pushed you away because they thought that's what you needed? Because they want you to be happy for once?

- How can they think pushing me away will make me happy?

- They think setting you free will make you happy."

Luke couldn't understand. It was obvious by the lost look he sported on his delicate face. Lily was feeling at lost. She did not know how to help Luke. She could not personally interfere in his affairs any more than she had already done. Past experiences had shown her that much. Beside, even if she wanted to interfere, and play matchmaker (maybe even get Katie to help her form a plan) who would she play matchmaker to? Who would she try to convince to make a move on her son? Her son's ex-boyfriend or Oakdale's king of sarcasm and neurosurgery? She didn't know who Luke was in love with, if he was in love with one of them at all. And even if he wasn't, she didn't know who Luke wanted or needed the most. If she were to tell Luke that she'd help him to get his man, would he even know who that is? From what she gathered at the hospital, he wouldn't.

"Luke… remember what I asked you at the hospital? About what you would do if Noah apologized and was ready to do anything to have you back? Do you remember what you told me?"

"- That I still love Noah.

- Yes and I told you that it didn't answer my question. And it doesn't Luke. Loving Noah and wanting to be with him are two different things. Just like loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone are two different things. You loving Noah doesn't tell me if you would go back to him. And it doesn't tell Noah or if you would go back to Noah either. So would you?

- I don't know ok? I just don't know!

- If you don't know what you want, none of us can know in your place honey.

- I know that!

- Alright then, let me tell you Faith's dilemma then answer my questions ok? It'll distract you from your own problems."

Luke looked sceptically at his mother. With all the sh*** that has been happening for him right now, she thinks talking about Faith would help him? Oh what the heck. Why not? He really has nothing to lose and beside, he's the big brother. If Faith is in trouble, then it's his job to try and help her. And maybe this time, he could do something right, instead of messing things up.

"- Faith is interested in a boy. Very interested actually and she made it quite clear to this boy. He seems interested back. He flirts with her a lot and has even kissed her a couple of times. However, he's still friends with his ex-girlfriend because no matter what he still cares deeply about her. Now, normally that wouldn't be the end of the world, except that the ex-girfriend isn't sure that she only wants to be friends and recently she kissed the boy. Now, by a series of unfortunate circumstances, Faith has heard about the kiss. Yet when she saw the boy again, he kissed her too. They went on a couple of dates but he's still seeing his ex and from what your sister has witnessed he's quite affectionate with the other girl. Faith is quite hurt about it. Some days she thinks he wants her, then at other times it seems he wants his ex. When she questions him, he's always vague about it. He told her he doesn't know who he really wants to be with, who he loves the most. He's always saying he doesn't know and it hurts Faith every time. Now what is your first thought about the situation."

"-That Faith should dump him and find someone who really wants her and only her.

- So you don't think the boy is being fair to Faith?

- No, of course not. He's stringing her along mom. She deserves better.

- Yes but the boy is confused Luke and he does genuinely like your sister.

- Yeah but it hurts Faith. And I bet the other girl isn't feeling any better about it either.

- So, you think that he's leading both girls on because of his confused feelings. And you would tell Faith to let the boy go?

- Yes.

- If I told you that Faith told the boy that to go back to his ex and be happy, what would you say?

- Good.

- Why is that?

- Because it's hurting her mom. She better suffer the pain of letting him go than have him change his mind later on.

- Yes, but now the ex let him go too. She said she could never know if he's with her because he chose her, and wants _her_ or if he's with her because Faith rejected him. Do you understand her decision

- Yeah, I guess. She doesn't want to be second choice. She wants him to want _her_.

- Uh huh. So then tell me honey, why don't you understand Reid's and Noah's decision?"

With that, Lily got up from her seat and gathered her purse and coat. Her son had many things to think about and there was nothing else she could do to help him at this point. It was time for Luke to make his own decision, and find what would please _him_, not what would please everyone else. She couldn't tell him who to love. She just hoped that he would be able to figure it all out soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything and LuRe still isn't an official couple yet

Note: still not beta-ed sorry. I'm weirdly in an impatient mood(I'm normally patient) If it gets too bad, just tell me nicely.

'blah, blah' means thoughts

'_blah, blah'_ means thoughts of Luke's inner voice(conscience)

- and "blah, blah" still means speech

**Chapter 2 **

Luke was flabbergasted. He couldn't believe that his mom had invented a situation with Faith to explain things to him. And he couldn't believe he hadn't realised what she was doing the minute she talked about an ex-girlfriend being in the portrait. And finally, he couldn't believe his mother was telling him he was being unfair to both Reid and Noah by stringing them along. 'But that's not what I'm doing! I'm not like that' Luke thought. But deep down, he knew that it was partially true. No, he never meant to give either of them hope and then crush it. He never meant to hurt them like this, but he did. And Noah thought Luke was there for him only out of duty and Reid…

'OMG Reid. What have I done? He wanted me. He told me that. And instead of telling him I wanted him too, I kept telling him I loved Noah and couldn't leave his side. It's the truth, but it doesn't mean I feel nothing for Reid. But I never told him I did feel something. Perhaps he just doesn't think I care for him. I have to find him'

With a goal now set on his mind, Luke left the bar and got into his car. He first tried the hospital since Reid sometimes seemed to live there, but no one had seen him since he left for the bar. 'So Katie's place then' Luke arrived there in a record time, but once in front of door, couldn't get himself to knock. 'This is ridiculous, come on, Luke just knock and then tell Reid…'

' _Tell him what?'_ a voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother responded

'_How do you think this is going to play out Luke? What do you think will be the first thing out of Reid's mouth?"_

'What are you doing here?' Luke answered his mother-look-alike voice.

'_Exactly. And what are you going to tell him? That you don't know? That you're not sure? Honey, we just had this conversation. The boy was hurting Faith by never giving her a straight answer and playing with her feelings. Faith needed to know one way or the other what he wanted. You said it wasn't fair to her what he was doing. So what are you doing here?'_

Ok this was a little freaky. He knew people talked about having inner voices but he'd never heard anything about having your mother talking to you inside your head.

'_Honey, I'm not your mother. I'm __**your**__ inner voice. Basically I'm you. I just sound like your mother because presently she has a lot more sense than you do. Do you know how bad that is? Do you have any idea how many times I commented in your head about your mother's awful skills at dealing with relationships? I'm the one who thought all those ugly comments about her and yet using her voice is more pleasant right now than using your own!'_

The little mom-look-alike voice was right. Freaky, and probably a sign that he should ask Reid for a MRI, but right nonetheless. He couldn't go in there. It would be a repeat of the bar. Whatever it was that Reid wanted from Luke, it was obvious that Luke wasn't giving it to him. No, he couldn't talk to Reid, not yet.

Luke looked one last time at the door and turned around to leave. He walked back from where he came from without looking only to run right into someone. His first thought was ' Oh God no. Don't let it be Reid'. His second thought was 'Uhm no. Way too much curves and softness to be Reid'

"Luke are you alright?"

Katie. He ran into Katie.

"-Uh yeah I'm fine Katie. I'll just…I'll just go.

- Are you looking for Reid?

- No, no. Well, yes I was but…no.

- Yes or no, Luke?

- I don't know.

- Seems like your favourite sentence these days

- Reid told you uh?

- Heck no. Most of the time I'd need medieval torture devices to make that guy talk about his feelings. No your mom did. Jacob and I met her when she was leaving the hospital looking for you. She mentioned something about Reid in the passing so I asked her if she knew anything about why my roommate's new definition of "busy" is hugging a pillow to himself while looking like someone killed his puppy, his entire family, then cut off his hands so he'll never be able to do another surgery again."

Luke swallowed hard. The Reid Oliver he met months ago was a hard ass. He was sarcastic, determined, had a huge ego and preferred to stay away from feelings in general…He would have never been caught hugging a pillow. Heck, he would have never had so much sadness in his eyes like today. It wasn't right. Looking back, it seemed like Reid had absolutely no energy left in his body today. And Luke was too much of an idiot to realise that something was terribly and horribly wrong with Reid. He should have. That man used sarcasm every two sentences and usually smiled at least one time when Luke was around. He never thought he could miss a smile so much.

"- Luke how about you come in? I'm a pretty good listener and Reid took Jacob for a walk in the park to clear his mind, so it'll just be the two of us.

- I uh….yeah ok."

Katie had always been so nice to him. She never judged. He knew he could talk to her and hopefully her living with Reid would give her insights no one else has.

"- Take a seat. Do you want a soda?

- Yes that would be nice.

- Alright, _Katie said sitting down beside Luke_. Talk."

So he did. He told her about the whole Noah break up and how devastated he had been about it. He told her about the flirting he'd been doing with Reid for quite some time now and about Dallas and the kiss that made his knees go weak. He told her about the discussion back from Dallas and he even told her what happened the day Reid "cracked open Noah's skull".

"And now, Noah doesn't want me around, even though just yesterday he wanted to work on putting things back together and Reid…well Reid... he just…he just quit you know. He told Noah to fight for me and then left me at the bar with a "I can't do this" "

" And how did that make you feel.

- Well I don't know Katie, how do you think it made me feel?

- Alright then. How did it make you feel compared to what Noah said? Did you feel worse after speaking to Reid or after speaking to Noah?

- I…I don't know.

- Come on Luke. That answer you DO know."

Luke took a minute to think back. Which rejection made him feel worse? When Noah told him that he wanted him to leave, it had hurt him. He wanted to be there for him, to help him heal. He needed to help him. Leaving people he cared about alone when they needed someone was against Luke's nature. Not to mention, it left him thoroughly confused since it was a 180 degree from the discussions they had on the roof and at the pond. He felt a rock in his stomach at the time and was slightly dizzy from the shock. And with Reid? With Reid, he felt that the rug was pull from under him and he was falling. Acid bile came up his throat and a rock tore open his stomach. He still felt nauseous when his mother arrived. When Noah pushed him away, it felt like when Faith did the same thing. When Reid pushed him away, it felt like when Noah constantly rejected him after the accident. It made him feel miserable and inadequate.

" Reid. It hurt more with Reid. But then again that's to be expected right? I mean, Noah pushing me away isn't exactly new. I guess I'm used to it now.

- Luke, when you're in love with someone, rejection never becomes easier. Not until you fall out of love.

- But I still love Noah, Katie. I still want him to be healthy and happy!

- And what, you think I wish that all my ex-boyfriends were miserable simply because I'm not in love with them anymore?

- Well no but…

- And you think your parents don't care about each other at all anymore.

- No but…

- Luke, listen. I loved Brad more than life itself and I still do. But maybe, in the future, I won't be in love with Brad anymore. You can't stay in love forever with someone who is not there. But when I will get over Brad, I will still love him deeply. He was the love of my life at one point. Perhaps he would have stayed the love of my life forever, but you never know. I know it's hard to let go of someone you once loved so much. I haven't been able to do it yet. But I'm still in love with Brad. You love Noah. Nobody ever doubted that for a second. But there's a difference between caring, loving and being in love.

- I know.

- Do you? Do you know which of the three you feel towards Noah?"

Yet again, Luke was left without an answer except an "I don't know". He truly had no idea. Katie looked at him with a sad look on her face. Her friend really had no clue about his own feelings. Then again, she couldn't blame him. She adored Reid but really, that guy had the worst timing. He arrived in Luke's life at a point where stress and emotions ran higher than any other time before. Even if Reid hadn't been there, Luke would still have found himself in a dilemma. He would have had to decide if he wanted to date Noah again and would still be unsure of the answer. So if you throw Reid into this mess too, then obviously it was absolutely impossible for him to sort things out. Especially, since he was almost always around both guys. When did he have the time to sort things out with himself, away from the pressuring and influence of the two men? Suddenly, Katie knew what she had to do to help Luke.

"Alright Luke. You want to fix things with both Noah and Reid right?

- Yes of course.

- And you are aware that it is impossible to do so if things stay the same right?

- Right.

- Luke, whether you want to be with Noah or Reid or neither of them, it's not here that you'll find the answer. You need to go away from Oakdale for a while.

- What? Why? Katie I can't fix anything if I'm not here!

- Actually Luke, you can't fix anything if you stay here. Talking to them is useless because right now, you're the one who needs fixing. You cannot be in any kind of relationship if you don't know what you want, what you need, what you love… Luke right now, your relationships are a mess because you're a mess. Your emotions are all over the place.

- And how am I supposed to fix that?

- By getting to know yourself again, Luke. You've changed. All the situations that have been happening to you made you evolve in someone different than the old Luke. Someone whose needs are different too. Make a list of what has changed, what you want and mostly what you're looking for in a relationship. And **don't** think about Noah or Reid when making that list! Think only of yourself."

Alright, Luke could do that, right? I mean how hard can it be to know what you need? '_Do you really want me to answer that? 'Cause let me tell you honey, you will not like my answer. Especially since I have nice little flashbacks videos to prove my point!' _'Well if you're so intelligent, mom-like inner voice, why don't you write that list?' _'Because you need to know what I know or you'll never make the right choice. You need to be 100% sure before going to both guys and telling them what's what'_ Luke nodded to the little voice. Katie took that as a sign of understanding from his part and continued.

" Then, I want you to go somewhere all alone and think of two things while there. First, forget completely about Reid. You've never met him. It's been just you and Noah ever since the accident. There's nothing else and no other relationship option out there for you except for Noah. Now I want you to focus on every single thing that has happened between you and Noah in the last year. Look at what went right and what went wrong. Go back before the accident. Think back on the happy times where you were in love with him and then compare the feelings of back then to the feelings of now. Once that is done, even if you find out that you're still in love with Noah, I want you to take your list, and based on the last year, ask yourself "Can Noah give me what I need and want?" Because Luke, if the answer is no, then you have your answer on whether to go back to Noah or not.

- But if I still love him…

- Then you'll be unhappy in your relationship until one of you breaks it off. Stop thinking about what Noah or Reid needs. If you don't get what you need, you will destroy yourself by staying in the relationship. Why do you think some people start cheating? Because they need something their partner can't give them.

- Alright, what's the second thing you want me to do?

- The exact same thing, but this time with Reid. Don't think about Noah and answer the same questions. And yes that includes comparing your feelings to Reid to the feelings you had for Noah in happy times. It also includes being objective once again about your list. And Luke, if it ends up that neither of them is what you need, don't force yourself to go to one of them to make that person happy. It's okay to be alone until you find the right fit.

- Alright. Thanks Katie. I think… I think I'm going to do that right now. You're right. It really can't go on like this."

With that said, Katie gave Luke a much needed hug and whispered reassuring words in his ear. He said his goodbye and was almost out of the door, when a thought occurred to him.

" Hey Katie. Could you tell Reid what I'll be doing please. When he left the bar, it felt so final. It felt like he had decided to shut me out for good. I…I don't want to come back here only to find out that I'm too late and Reid is not an option anymore. I just…I just couldn't take it if he were to reject me if I told him he was the one. So… Can you tell him that there IS a chance that it's him? And to not give up on me…on us just yet?"

"Of course I'll tell him. But you really don't have to worry about that Luke. If you come back here 100% sure that the answer is not Noah and you can find closure, then there is no way Reid will ever push away. You'd need an entire army of crowbars to pry him away from you. But you have to be sure of your decision because Luke, if you go to Reid and then change your mind, you'll be guaranteeing that he will never open his heart to another man again."

Luke gulped. His heart constricted at the idea that he had the power to hurt Reid to a point where he would lock his heart and throw away the key for good. Whatever answers he will find, he'll have to be careful with how he handles the situation with Reid. The last thing he wants is for Reid to shut himself out from people. It took a long time to get him to this point and even then, the change is mostly only around Katie, Jacob and him. Reid has too much to offer to cut himself off the world.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I still sadly don't own anything. If I did Luke and Reid would be dating and endgame without a doubt (guess what I'm wishing for on my birthday tomorrow...)**

**AN:** So this chapter's been written for a while but I wanted to wait to be more advanced with chap 4 to post it, but I have been having writer's block on this fic, which is why I wrote "For you I would". I don't know if things will pick up quickly for chap4 or not, so in the meantime at least enjoy this chapter!

**Chapter 3**

Dr. Reid Oliver was going to have a heart attack. There was no other explanations. It was impossible that the unbearable constrictions of his heart were due to a certain Luke Snyder who decided to sit beside him in a bar because his ex-boyfriend rejected him yet again. No. His throat didn't feel like it was closing on itself to the point of choking him to death because of Luke Snyder. Obviously he had a nasty cold coming up. He didn't feel the weight of an elephant constantly on his shoulders because of any emotional state that Luke Snyder had caused. He didn't **do** emotional. As for the pressure on his ribs that made every breath he took excruciating, well maybe the cold was actually bronchitis. But definitely not Luke Snyder. After all, if he were the cause of Reid's agony, then it would have automatically gone away when Reid had walked out of that bar. Right? And he wasn't seeking out Katie and Jacob in the park in order to sooth any his troubles. He didn't do troubles. No. He was doing it for Katie. She seemed so sad before after all.

It didn't take him long to find them. Katie was very predictable. She had pretty clear cut routines and habits. Like matchmaking and scheming for example.

"Well Jacob. Look who has changed his mind? Are you sure you can be here Reid? I wouldn't want to keep you from your "busy" schedule. Plus the pillow might be jealous."

"Ah ha. Real funny."

"So, are you going to tell me why you suddenly hug my pillows like a 13 years old girl suffering from unrequited love, watching Titanic for the third time in one night and eating 10 pounds of ice cream?"

"…"

"Ok. Don't tell me. Let me take a guess. The problem starts with Luke and ends with Snyder."

"…"

"Something happened in the last few days. Something that broke your heart."

"I don't have a heart."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that. Even Jacob knows better and he's a baby. So something happened with Luke. Did you guys have a fight? Did you see him kiss Noah? What?"

"I don't want to talk about it Katie."

"Well then how are things going to get better? Reid you're miserable. That's not like you to just abandon the fight. Come one, you're Reid Oliver, best neurosurgeon in the world! If you're unhappy about how things are, take the bull by the horns and do something about it. It's the Reid's way."

"Yeah well, not in this. It's not worth it."

"You don't believe that Reid. I've seen how you speak about Luke, how you act around him. You don't believe that for a second. He's much more important for you. Perhaps more important than yourself? That's it right? You think letting Luke go is what is best for him?"

"It's obvious he wants Noah and I'm the rebound choice Katie."

"No. I don't think anything is obvious in this case. Reid, Luke has no idea what he feels and what he wants, so there's no way you can. He acts based on his confused emotions, therefore the messages he sends are inaccurate. Don't give up. You're an amazing guy Dr. Oliver. Give yourself some credit."

"Noah is the love of his life."

"No. Noah is the one he has the most history with. A very complicated, tortuous history that never offered any closure. Being unable to let go doesn't equal love. There could be a million other reasons that explain it. Like dependency for example. Childhood dreams are also one. Think about that during your walk with Jacob."

Katie patted Reid's knees as a sign of encouragement, then stood up to leave.

"Wait where are you going?"

"Home. I think right now you could benefit from fresh air and company that does not harass you with questions. Think of it as zootherapy but with a baby."

And with that Katie left Reid dumbfounded, all alone with a baby trying to eat his right shoe yet again.

' How exactly was I conned into babysitting yet again?'

"Seriously Jacob, your mother is one manipulative woman. One filled with the best intentions, but manipulative nonetheless. You must never **ever** talk about feelings with your mother Jacob. Whatever show she puts on, whatever she tells you, don't trust her. It's a trap. If you fall into it you'll be the most embarrassed teen of Oakdale because your mother went to talk to the girl you like and asked her on a date for you."

' Dear lord I'm talking to a baby'

"Oh well might as well take some fresh air while we're at it. Maybe we can find somewhere more cognitively stimulating than where your mother usually takes you….Then again, this is Oakdale."

The walk with Jacob had been mind numbing at best. Reid knew Katie was trying to help, but he doubt anything could make him feel better at this point. And really what did he expect? Dinners for two and romantic strolls at Snyder's farm? 'Reid Oliver, you are a moron'. So all in all, he came back home feeling as bad as when he left it in the first place.

"Hey. How was your walk? Did you have fun?"

"What do you think?"

"That it couldn't have been worse than it already was? _Katie replied as she picked Jacob up"_

Reid didn't bother answering that statement. He just let himself fall on the couch and grabbed a pillow.

"Awww. How nice! You're comforting the pillow and soothing its jealousy as soon as you arrive."

Katie didn't pay any mind to the glare-of-doom-normally-reserved-to-the-absolutely-incompetent-interns-who-got-their-medical-degree-on-ebay.

"You know you're right to do so. was very jealous" _she paused_ "Especially after **Luke **came here."

The reaction to Luke's name was so instantaneous it was almost funny to watch. Almost.

"And what did want?" _Reid asked, trying and failing miserably at seeming disinterested. _

"Well actually he never said."

"How typical." _Reid restrained the urge to roll his eyes._

"But I do know he wasn't here to see **me. **However, it's a good thing he did. I think Luke realised that it wasn't the right time to talk to you"

"…"

"He left a message for you."

"…"

"Alright if you don't want to know fine. I'll just call Noah. I'm sure **he'**ll be interested about the update in Luke's life."

Katie walked determinedly towards the phone and started dialling when…SLAM! Reid put the phone back on its base with such force Katie had to wonder if she'll need to buy a new one. 'It's worth it though if it makes him listen to me. That stubborn man! She doesn't think she's ever been so grateful for jealousy's existence before.

"Yes, can I help you Reid? If you need the phone, I'm afraid you'll have to use your cell. I have a very important call to make."

A normal, sane person with good survival instincts would have run away faster than the Road Runner at the glare Reid was sending right now. Thankfully, Katie didn't mind standing out of the norm when necessary.

"Does this mean you're willing to listen to me now?"

*sigh* "I suppose yes."

Suddenly the murderous eyes disappeared and were replaced by exhausted ones as Reid let himself fall back down on the couch.

"Luke told me everything. Blind Noah's attitude, the break-up, the dislike-turned-to-varying-degrees-of-flirting you guys did for months, Dallas and the first kiss that made his knees go weaker than he thought possible, the second kiss, everything."

"…And?"

"And we talked. We talked about his utter confusion and how he could sort it out."

"And what was the conclusion?"

"Luke is leaving town."

Reid eyes widened at the news and he visibly gulped. If his skin was pale before, it was now livid. Luke was leaving Oakdale. The person who was responsible for bringing him to this hellhole of a town, but who made it worth staying, was leaving. Was it because of him? Had the situation at the bar made Luke decide that neither Noah nor him were worth it? Was everything with Luke irremediably over?

"No, no! Reid! Not like that," _corrected Katie when she saw her roommates face_," he's not leaving for good. He didn't choose to go with neither of you and leave town to move on and create a life elsewhere. He's only going away for the time it takes him to figure things out."

"To figure what out? How much he loves Noah?"

"No. To figure out who he is, what he needs, what he wants and what he feels about the both of you. I was right when I told you Luke had absolutely no clue. Everything changed too fast and he wasn't able to keep up, only to cope."

"So…what does this have to do with me? What do I care if leaves town?"

"Reid, you know I know you care. There's no reason to pretend here. But even if you didn't care I still would have told you. Do you know why?"

"…"

"Because, Reid, Luke asked me to tell **you** he was leaving and to explain to** you** why. Do you know what else he asked me to tell you?"

"…"

"Can you tell him that there IS a chance that it's him? And to not give up on me…on us just yet?"

Reid looked at Katie with doe eyes. For the first time, she could see a glimpse of hope coming in his eyes.

"He really said that?"

Katie nodded.

"Do you…how much of a chance do you think I have, realistically?"

"Reid, don't do this…"

"Katie." Reid interrupted her rather abruptly. It was clear that he meant business. He really needed to know her opinion on this matter.

"Well, I don't know. You can't guess on these things, especially not in this situation. However, I wouldn't count myself out or particularly disadvantaged if I were you. Both you and Noah hurt Luke today; however, when I asked about how much you guys hurt him, he told me **you **were the one who hurt him the most. And judging from the looks on his face when he was pondering my question, your rejection hurt him **a lot** more than Noah's. I think that is a good point for you. He obviously cares deeply about you Reid."

"But he also cares about Noah."

"Yes he does and he always will. Noah was his first love. And it wasn't an easy love. Luke knew nothing else but Noah for years. That's why it's so hard for him to sort his feelings and let go if necessary. Because Noah will always be important to him. Can you deal with that Reid? If Luke comes back here after choosing you and breaks up with Noah for good, will you be able to handle that Luke will always love Noah even if he's not in love with him anymore? That he'll want to be there for Noah and support him."

"I.. uh…I guess."

"No. You don't guess. You have to know. If Luke and you want to have any chance of having a relationship, you both need to know what you can and cannot accept in the relationship. And I can tell you now that if one your needs is for Luke to stop seeing Noah, he will never be with you. He will choose to be alone."

"It wouldn't come to that. Not if Luke could sincerely tell me he's 100% sure he's not in love with Noah anymore and would never go back to him. Not if he loves me. If he did, then yes, I would accept as a part of our lives."

**"Our **lives?"

"Yeah well…"

"You're the I'll-deal-with-the-most-unpleasant-distasteful-things-to-make-the-man-I-love-happy kind of boyfriend aren't you? That's so cute!"

Ahhh, if looks could kill….well they can't and it's a very good thing, especially if Luke and Reid hook up. She has a feeling she'd be at the receiving end of many, many death glares from Reid. After all, when your I'm-cold-and-don't-have-a-heart roommate acts adorably sweet like she's sure Reid would be at times with Luke, how can one ever resist making comments about it to said roommate….or to a couple of poor traumatized interns who work for big, bad ?

'Oh yeah! If he hooks up with Luke, Reid's big bad wolf reputation will be completely annihilated. Better not tell him that now though. It'll be funnier if it takes him by surprise' thought Katie.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, today there would be some serious LuRe making out as my birthday present. But I don't own them :(**

**AN: **I think my muse is back (or at least she was at midnight when I started writing this. Started a tiny bit of chap 5 too but it was like 3:30 am and I really needed to sleep. Hopefully my muse is still there. I just need to wake up enough for her(and me) to write something)

_'blah, blah' _inner voice in normal POV / _'blah, blah' _inner voice in the notebook (because the notebook is all in italics since the different writing style I used on Word and that works on LJ's LuRe community doesn't work on )

**Chapter 4**

Luke packed a bag in record time. He was tired of all of this. For the last months his emotions had been all over the place and he couldn't take it anymore. He felt confused, angry, disappointed, sad, hopeful, guilty, happy, angry…his own body and psyche were a big, giant rollercoaster. It just never stopped and most of the time, all these emotions made their appearance at the same time. He honestly never thought you could feel so many things at once. Katie was right. He needed a breather. He needed to get out of here. Oakdale was starting to resemble its nickname Oakhell. Every where he went, he was either assaulted with memories of Noah or with memories of Reid. In order to clear his head, he needed to go somewhere he has never been before. This way, it would really be only about him. From the beginning, he had wanted to make things right for Noah and then for Reid. He kept wanting to figure things out for them; it was damn time he did something for himself. Because while he had hurt Reid and probably Noah too when he'd been reluctant to pick up their relationship after the surgery, he was the one going insane in all of this. He was destroying himself much more than he was destroying the others. It needed to stop one way or the other. So Luke Snyder took a bag, left a note to his mother and left with his car.

It wasn't until hours later that he finally stopped. In retrospective, he really didn't need to get this far from home. Simply leaving Oakdale for the next town would have given him the detachment he needed. However, there was something seriously therapeutic in mindlessly driving around. He already felt much better. Driving helped him clear his mind and allowed him to finally stop thinking. It seemed that in the last few weeks, he had had a hamster perpetually hooked up on caffeine running around in his mental wheel faster than ever before. The person who said having an empty head was a bad thing seriously needed to revise that theory. For Luke, it was the best thing in the world. He stopped at a small motel in a town whose name he hadn't even care to notice. The point wasn't to visit a new place after all. He figured that he'd sleep for now and start trying to sort himself out tomorrow.

The next day was uneventful to say the least. The last weeks' emotional spiral had finally taken its toll on Luke's body and he found himself more exhausted then ever before. He couldn't get anything done; all he wanted to do was go to sleep. He ordered some pizza in the afternoon and lazed about in front of the tv watching soaps that almost made his love life look like a walk in the park. In a way, it was reassuring that some people somewhere had invented storylines much more messed up than his reality. He switched channel though when characters involved in a love triangle came on air. This was way too close to home for comfort and didn't want to deal with it in this state of mind. On the second day, Luke figured it would be a good idea to get out of the motel room and visit the town. There wasn't much to see and no one to talk to and he quickly found himself bored out of his mind. 'Reid would absolutely loathe this place' he couldn't help himself but think. And with that thought suddenly came a dozen of others. He found himself imagining what Reid would say about this town and its people. He found himself imagining what they would be doing if he were with him. And he kept remembering past moments with the doctor. It was like a gate had been opened and refused to be closed. 'So much for not thinking about anything and clearing my mind' Obviously, Luke needed a distraction and quick. Perhaps he should buy a pencil and a notebook and start writing something. Yes, that would work.

Luke bought what he needed, then walked towards the park he had seen from afar. It was a very nice park with many trees and many isolated places. 'Wow, it'd be a great place to make out.' Luke did a double take. What in the world was he thinking! Making out? 'All right. I am **not** going there' Luke thought. But as he tried to erase any thoughts going in that direction, a second thought escaped from his control and came to the forefront of his mind 'Besides, Reid's probably not into the whole public place thing' Luke stopped walking abruptly. His legs suddenly decided to transform into Jello. 'Did I just basically ask myself what Reid would be into?'

'_Yes, Luke honey you did. Now, what does that tell you?'_replied his inner voice, who had suddenly decided to sound like Katie instead of his mom. _'Well it's only logical for me to take her voice. Katie's advice made a lot of sense and unlike your mother she's actually good at the whole relationship thing.'_

All right. So Luke had thought about taking another day off without dealing with his problems but obviously it wasn't possible today. His thoughts just kept getting back to them.

'_Actually, no they're not. Your thoughts are only about Reid. Not about the emotional limbo you're in' _

True. Since waking up this morning the only thoughts he had related to Oakdale had all been about one -I'm the best neurosurgeon in the world-Oliver. He hadn't thought about his parents and if they were worrying, nor had he thought about Noah, he guiltily observed. It seemed wrong that the boy who had been his everything for years was not the first thing he thought about anymore. He should be his first thought.

'_But he isn't Luke. Things are different now.__ Isn't it high time for you to accept that?'_

Katie had talked about making lists, about figuring out what was part of the present and what was now a part of the past. As much as Luke didn't want to get into it, he knew he had no choice. He could stay in this town for days, weeks and even months, enjoying being away from the emotional fiasco he was in, but it wouldn't fix anything. Sure, he would finally be able to rest, physically and mentally, but as soon as he would set foot back in Oakdale, he'd be right back into his own personal hell. And Luke seriously did not think he could go through that again. No. He needed to work things out as soon as it was possible. He couldn't rush into anything, but he couldn't run away either. It was time to grow up.

Luke found a beautiful artificial pond in the middle of the park. It had picnic tables all around it and you could see a family of ducks enjoying themselves in the water. Luke felt at home in this place, so he took out the notebook and the pen and started writing.

***Luke's notebook***

_**11:20 am. Pond of the park in unknown city.**_

_Alright. So Katie told me to reflect on things and obviously I haven't been good at doing that recently. Not on my own anyway. But writing has always made things better for me, so hopefully it will help me sort things out. Katie says I need to know what I want and need. Ok so.._

_**What I want…**_

_- to feel loved every time I'm with my boyfriend_

_- to feel wanted_

_- to feel butterflies_

_- to smile because of my boyfriend_

_- to feel really happy most of the time_

_- to feel secure_

_- a boyfriend as committed to us as me_

_- to laugh again (although I do laugh with Reid…darn! I'm not supposed to think about Reid yet. Just myself)_

_- a stable relationship (no more extreme highs and lows)_

-**…**

- **…**

-** …**

_**What I need**_

_- stability. I need someone who will be there_

_- Someone I can count on no matter what_

_- A serious relationship_

_- To know what is what(no doubts)_

_- To laugh, to flirt, to have FUN_

-** …**

- **…**

_Argh…this is harder than I thought. I'll keep spaces open to add things later if necessary. Now I'm hungry. I think I'll just go eat._

_**12:20 am** Ordered a sandwich…I don't like sandwiches. Inner voice bugged me about me missing Reid so much that I had automatically chosen what he would have. Reid would love Miss Nora. You should have seen the sandwich she made me. Biggest thing I've ever seen. Reid would have really liked it…There I go thinking about Reid again. I guess I'll filed that up in my Reid list. But first like Katie said, I have to think of Noah only, so…_

_1st : Noah isn't my first thought anymore. I've been concerned by other things recently (a.k.a Reid, but I'm not supposed to think about that. Katie said to ignore Reid's existence and only concentrate on Noah and things about him at first, but as I'm writing this I have a little Katie-voice in my head going **' **Yeah but you just can't stop thinking about Reid**'**And it's true. It's really hard to think about Noah and not think about Reid._

_Man I don't like that inner voice. She just said __'But when you think about Reid, you have no problem at all about not thinking about Noah'_ _And then I had a flashback of my kiss with Reid after Noah's surgery. In the past, **nothing** would have been able to distract me from Noah being in a coma. But now…I guess that's also something that changed. Wish the little voice could shut it though. I need those comments once I'm doing my reflection on Reid not on Noah._

_So yeah Noah…I love him so much. He means so much to me. But Katie says I need to figure out what kind of love. Past vs Present I can do that._

_**Past **_

_- gave me butterflies every time I saw him_

_- I smiled more with him then I ever did with anyone else._

_- Spent wonderful years with him generally happy_

_- Had our share of bad times(his dad trying to kill me, paralysis, Ameera…) but we pulled through. We were strong_

_- My heart beat went crazy when I was with him_

_- I missed him like crazy as soon as he was away. Even one day was painful_

_- When with Noah I felt: happy, content, blissful, hopeful, like a dreamer, warm, fuzzy, loved, wanted_

_- I thought the world of him_

_- I had lots of fun with him_

_- My first thoughts were always of him_

_- I was mostly the one going after him and trying to work on things_

_- Just holding his hand made me feel special_

_- Had no doubts that we were forever_

_- Knew where I stood with him. Felt like we could work things out_

_- Never wanted to stop working on our relationship_

_- I was positive and optimistic about us._

_- Taking care of Noah was a true pleasure. Made me feel so good._

_- Was worried every time we had a fight or he was pushing away_

_- Used to think I could depend on him for anything_

_- I loved him like crazy._

_- My love: passion, eternal, giddy, like no other_

_- Noah was the most important person in my life_

_- I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy_

_- I used to be able to think of recent memories feat. Noah that made me happy_

_**Present**_

_- haven't had any butterflies since months before blindness_

_- Can't remember the last time I had a good honest smile because of Noah. Smiled because I was happy for him but can't remember last time I smile because HE made me happy._

_- Push-pull-push. Never know what he wants anymore_

_- He's not always my first thought._

_- I don't miss him right now_

_- When with Noah I feel: guilty, sad, confused, not good enough, glad for him, peaceful, at home(kinda like with Ethan or Faith)_

_- I don't feel loved anymore. I could always feel it in my soul before even when we fought. I never doubted he was in love with me. Don't feel wanted anymore_

_- Holding his hand: same as if I was with Allison or Katie or Faith_

_- Don't believe in our couple anymore. Don't believe in forever_

_- I'm…I'm tired. When I think of our couple. It makes me feel tired._

_- I'm not sure things can change or get better anymore_

_- Can I depend on him for everything? Will he push me away next time things gets though._

_- My love: deep, not really hot or passionate, important_

_- Noah is important in my life_

_- I want to be happy_

_- I don't want Noah to suffer ever. But I don't feel the strength to not do something that would make me happy_

_- Can't come up with any recent memories with Noah where I was truly happy in the way I was with him before._

***End of Luke's notebook***

Luke had taken his time writing his entries down. He took minutes upon minutes to carefully think about every word he would write and minutes turned to hours. He made sure that he wrote nothing but the truth no matter how painful. And it was painful. He pondered, remembered, questioned everything and the more he thought about it…the more he wrote…Luke felt an agonising pain in his chest. But still he forced himself to write those awful words conveying that awful message and understanding until finally he couldn't take it anymore. The words were beginning to blur as Luke was failing to keep the flow of tears from falling down his cheeks and onto the textbook. It hurt so much. It felt like someone was ripping his heart to shreds.. Nothing made sense and it felt like nothing would ever made sense ever again. It was the end of Luke Snyder's world. He had never felt such excruciating pain before. Ever. Luke's body began to shake as uncontrollable, loud sobs followed one another. It was over. After all these years, after all the challenges and hardships life had put them through, after all those wonderful kisses, after that wonderful love, after all the heartache and every joyful moments…**Noah Mayer and Luke Snyder were over. For good**. He wanted things to be different. He wanted things to go back like it was in the past column because that's what he wanted and what he needed. But it wasn't what he felt nor what he received from Noah. Not anymore. It hurt and there was nothing Luke could do except curl up into a tight ball on the grass and try to breathe between the rapid, heartrending sobs taking over his entire body.

AN: Yeah! that's one more chapter done. Although I'm kinda sad that on my past/present don't show up one beside the other like it does on the LuRe community on Lj because I think it's easier to compare them this way. Anyway. Poor Luke. I feel bad for him right now (yet I'm the one who wrote him in this position) I really hope I was able to convey how truly devastated he is and that Noah isn't what he needs anymore. Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Don't own anyting related to ATWT.**

AN: This chapter is about Luke and how he deals with things being over with Noah. Chapter 6 hasn't been started yet, but I'm aiming for Wednesday night at the lattest for it to be ready to post. Hopefully I'll be able to respect my own deadline :)

**Chapter 5**

The first thing Luke Snyder became aware of was the chilling sensation he felt right down to his bone. Then he became aware that the entirety of the US army had decided to practice attacks with their tanks and bombs inside of his head. 'Oh dear Lord' The pain was worst than any migraine, or hangover he had ever had and that was saying something. 'Now I know why all those girls said post-crying headaches were worst than hangovers' Luke slowly became aware of his surroundings. He felt wet grass beneath his body and the sounds of insects all around him. 'Outside. I'm outside…Why am I outside again?' Luke had gone to the pound in order to think things over and write his conclusions down…and he had ended up crying all the water in his body on the ground until finally, his body collapse from exhaustion. It was now dark outside, something for which Luke was eternally grateful because the last thing he needed was his eyes coming into contact with light. Slowly, Luke started to change his position. Every movement was slow and a true hardship. Luke felt as if every member of his body had been filled with lead while he was asleep. Trying to get up suddenly seemed like the hardest chores of all times. The muscles of his back were screaming in protest while his legs could barely support his weight. Later on, Luke wouldn't remember exactly how he was able to walk back to the motel, his every move being the ones of a mindless automaton following basic orders. He wouldn't remember the nice elderly couple finding him on the street and accompanying him back to his room once he was able to mumble where he was staying. All he would be able to remember was the pain to which he had woken up.

The next time Luke gained consciousness, the headache had dissipated somewhat and he could move around more easily…if he wanted to. But Luke didn't want to. He felt like all energy had been sucked out of him. He felt dizzy and he had the most awful taste in his mouth. And his heart still ached. The realisation he had the day before was not easy to deal with. One of the reasons he had been so confused about the whole Noah/Reid situation was because he had never sat down to seriously think about it more than a few seconds at a time. That was why, to this day, he still believed that he was in love with Noah and that the only problem with their couple was Reid and Luke's feeling for the doctor. Now however, Luke wasn't convinced he would go back to Noah even if Reid wasn't in the portrait. Although realistically, if it had taken him being rejected by **both** men and then having a talk with both his mother and Katie in order for him to wake up and realise things had changed and he needed to analyse them…If Reid didn't exist, he probably would have gone back to Noah. He loves him after all. He always will love Noah.

'But I don't love you like I used to Noah. And I can't blame Reid for that one' Luke though to himself, choking back a sob. 'If I went back to you now, I wouldn't be happy Noah. Oh I'd try to be and I'm sure I'd convinced myself I was but…I haven't been truly happy with you for quite some time now. I guess I should be grateful for you always pushing me away. I would have never had been able to leave you, even though I'm not in love with you anymore….Oh Noah. I'm not in love with you anymore' Luke tried in vain to stop the sobs from coming but the only thing it did was make his muscles contract even more, to the point of being painful. Before long, Luke was crying so hard that he ended up vomiting the entirety of his stomach on the motel room floor.

Luke just couldn't seem to grasp the idea that his love for Noah had changed. He felt like he had always been in love with Noah. And he liked it that way. It was familiar and constant. Now, everything was changing and for someone like Luke, a person who was at a point where stability was a priority, this was hell. He wanted so badly to have with Noah what he used to. For the rest of that day, Luke Snyder cried over the ending of his first love and the end of his past dreams.

The fourth day started better than the previous one. This time around Luke had had enough awareness to take some Advils before going to sleep and had been able to keep down some water and crackers the night before. Therefore, the nausea was much better although he still felt a bit dehydrated and very week. He also woke up with without a pounding head and completely shredded heart. Instead, he had a feeling of general numbness and he actually welcomed it. After trying to distract himself from his thoughts with Tv and going to the park, Luke had resigned himself to his inner grey cloud and had gone back to his room. Feeling a little less devastated than yesterday but still feeling mostly depressed, Luke picked up his notebook again and decided to write.

**Luke's notebook**

_**Day uhm…4. Have I really been here 4 days? 1:15pm**_

_Cried myself to sleep last night. Like the previous night. Today, I don't think I have enough water in my body to cry. Or maybe I just don't have the energy. I feel like there's an elephant on my shoulders, and a rock has permanently settled itself in my stomach. This hurts so much. I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps I had hoped to see a silver lining in my situation, but right now I just can't. I keep thinking of Noah. My every thought is turned towards him. All of our memories have haunted me for every single second since I last closed this book. I miss him so much….. No. That's wrong. I can't lie to myself. If I want things to get better, I can't listen to my first thoughts without thinking. I can't blurt things out impulsively even if it's only in my mind. I have to take the time to find the truth._

_The truth is I miss Noah, but what I truly miss is what we had. I miss how Noah made me feel, I miss what we did together, I miss….I miss the old Noah. I miss the old Luke who was in love with the old Noah. I miss it because it was so good. Me finding Noah was a miracle and I'm so scared now that it's gone. What if I never get to feel like that again? What if I never fall in love again? And what if I found a love that's actually stronger and better than what I had with Noah? That scares me the most. Knowing that I could find something stronger…It's scary. It's scary because I'm afraid it will make me think less of what I had with Noah and I never want to forget what we had and how important it was. But mostly I keep thinking "what if I find love again only to loose it" The last two days have been the most painful of my entire life and I have suffered before. So if I find something stronger and lose it… I couldn't take it. My God can I even take loosing Noah. Great the tears are back. And so is the pain in my heart. But I guess that's a little better than before. The pain is a little better and in retrospective, I actually prefer this to numbness. I don't like feeling empty. It's…I just hate it. And this is normal. I…it's over. Me and Noah are over. Dear God , me and Noah are actually over. It sounds…it sounds like blasphemy to think that. But it's the truth. I just…I don't get what I want or need from him anymore_

_I wish…lord why did I leave town. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I think I'm going to call mom or Katie and talk to them._

_**1:45 pm** I didn't call anyone. I couldn't. I just picked up the phone and stared at it for minutes. I kept replaying my conversation with Katie and… I need to do this by myself. I can't rely on anyone else for once. It's weird because I'm used to having someone there for me. I like it. One of the things I could never ever understand with Noah was how he rejected my help when he needed it. I need help right now and if someone was offering it, even a complete stranger, I think I'd jump over that person and tell him/her my entire damn life story. Which makes me think…..There. I just went back to my list of wants and needs and added "I need someone who helps me and let me help him back" It's just who I am so I also added "someone who not only accepts but likes how and what I am" I'm not saying Noah never did. I just…whether someone does something or not, if you don't feel it or see it, then it's like they're not doing it, you know. Noah used to fit my wants and needs so much. He was perfect. He was sweet and caring and I just…_

_**2:30 pm** Started crying again. Couldn't stop. Didn't really feel like stopping eit_her. Now that it's over, the aching inside of me has numbed somewhat. _It comes and it goes today. It…it actually helps to cry. It also does the exact opposite of helping since it's not productive to anything and gives you a headache. Where are the darn Advils again?_

_Don't really know what to do right now. Don't want to go outside, don't want to go to sleep, don't want to read, don't want to watch TV or listen to music…I feel like everything is bad. It's like there's nothing good in this world, nothing fun. I wish Reid was here._

**End of notebook**

Luke closed the notebook. Reid. He hadn't thought about Reid in the last two days but now that he had, he really did wish Reid was here. But not the Reid he had left back in Oakdale. That Reid was too involved in this to do any good. That Reid is just like Luke. He's lost in uncertainty and he deserves an answer one way or the other before having to deal with Luke again. Luke was already suffering. There were no reasons for him to bring Reid down with him. No. The person he wished he could see right now was the sarcastic doctor who used to infuriate him so much and yet who was so endearing underneath it all. Oliver who had entered Luke's heart without him noticing and who was able to make Luke either smile or irritate him enough that he forgot all his problems. It felt wrong to wish for Reid's presence. This should be only about Noah, but he can't help but miss the older man.

**Luke's notebook**

_**Day 5**_

_Woke up real early this morning. Went to the pond and watched the sun rise. It was beautiful and calm. I felt at peace there. I'm feeling better today. Thinking about Noah still hurts but now I know to expect it and I think I finally accept it. Things with Noah, they hadn't been good for a while before the blindness. You know the whole thing with Mason, well you know how they say someone secure won't be jealous. I don't necessarily agree with that. When you're jealous by nature, it's normal to feel a small level of jealousy or possessiveness, but it's when you're insecure that jealousy becomes a problem. I think deep down, I was starting to feel a little more distant with Noah. Things weren't as they used to and I had hoped they would get better, but they didn't. And I think, even though on the roof and at Snyder's pond Noah was all for getting back together, I think he felt that weird distance between us way before then. I think he knows that we started not understanding or accepting what was going on with the other prior to the accident._

_But I don't know. I can only hope. The idea of talking to Noah…I just can't do it. Not yet. It breaks my heart too much. And yeah, when I tell him it's over for good, I think we'll both be heartbroken, but right now I wouldn't be able to do it at all. I don't have the strength. I'll find it though. There's no other choice. I cried a lot these last few days. And I mean A LOT. And I thought about things and I tried to find a way to fix things with Noah. I really did. I created every situation, imagined every possibility, but it was futile. I know deep down that it's over for good. I think I've known for a long time and that's why I dreaded my conversations with Noah. It wasn't because of Reid or because I felt guilty about what happened with him, it was because I knew that there was no NoahandLuke anymore and I didn't know how to admit it to myself, let alone to him._

_It's sad that's something so good has ended, but in a way I'm relieved. My God saying it just rips my heart, but yeah…when I made those lists and realised how different things with Noah are now and how incompatible our relationship is with my wants and needs, I felt relieved. Hurt like never before, of course. I thought I was going to die. Every single atom in my body screamed in pain. But behind all that sadness, all that despair, I felt relieved that all the shit that went on between Noah and I was over. No more getting pushed away, no more incessant guilt, no more trying to make something that could never work, work again. I just…the battle was over you know. It felt like the only thing I did with Noah for a long time was fight. Fight with him, fight for him, fight to get what I want/need from him, fight with Reid because of him, fight against my feelings for Reid for him…And now, the fight is over and although it hurts, I feel…peaceful. Calm. I feel like I don't need to struggle anymore. And that really, really feels good. And it makes me a little more hopeful for the future. Maybe things are going to be okay._

**End of notebook**

That fifth day was a turning point for Luke. The agony of the last two days had diminished and he was able to think straight again. On this day, he was able to distance himself from things and look at them with a more objective eye. Losing Noah was a horrible ordeal, especially if breaking up with him for good ended up estranging him. A life without Noah…Luke really didn't think he could handle it. Not if it was definitive. He knew deep down that he had to stop seeing Noah for a while. Although Luke would be the one to call it quits for good, it didn't mean he was any happier about things not working out anymore than Noah would be. He would suffer too and seeing Noah regularly would keep the wound opened and bleeding. Luke, after all, would find it excruciating if he had to see Noah hurting. But he hoped that they could learn to be friends. He loved Noah after all. The other boy was very important to him and he wanted to keep in contact. If he couldn't….if he lost Noah for good…it would be a new heartbreak all over. And this time, he knew he wouldn't be able to deal with that kind of pain alone. He just hoped that in time, things would settle down for both Noah and him and that they both would find happiness again.

AN: That's it for now! Hope you enjoyed it. I tried to show how badly Luke is affected by his realisation and how he's slowly coming to terms with them because deep down he already knew. Hopefully it's realistic enough. If not I at least hope it was enjoyable!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything. Just doing this for fun.

**AN:** Finally! My writer's block has left! This chapter is a little different from the previous ones since it doesn't focus on what's written in Luke's journal. You'll know later on what he wrote in it about Reid, but not right now.

**Chapter 6**

Reid Oliver was walking through Memorial's halls much like a zombie. He hadn't harassed or insulted a nurse's intelligence in days. His out-of-character behaviour had gotten so bad that even Doogie Hughes had stopped by his office to ask if he was okay…and had gotten more than a little traumatized at the "I'm fine….But thanks for asking. Chris." It didn't take ten seconds before Dr. Chris Hughes was on the phone with Katie Snyder about the potential alien abduction of the real Reid Oliver. It didn't take Katie Snyder ten seconds to jump on Reid and ask him how he was when he got home that night.

"Seriously Reid. You know you can tell me anything. Talk to me."

"There is nothing to talk about Katie."

" Really?"

" Really. I'm fine."

"Then why did Chris call me in a panic talking about Alien abductions or severe depression or cloning or…"

"Alien abduction?" Reid interrupted incredulously. Seriously what in the world was wrong with Chris Hughes? On the other hand, Reid really didn't want to know the answer.

"Well you haven't been mean to anyone in days! What else are your colleagues supposed to think when you stop insulting their intelligence using your incredible sarcastic powers? It's either the Aliens or a sign of the Apocalypse. Personally, I'd prefer the Aliens."

Reid smiled at that. Katie always knew what to do or say to cheer him up. Alien abduction…Lord this town is full of idiots. Sadly, it wasn't full on the only idiot he wanted to be here. When Katie had told him about Luke's decision to leave to clear his mind out, he never expected to miss him that much…or to be so terribly worried about what Luke would decided in the end.

"You're scared Luke won't choose you, aren't you?"

Reid really hated when she was being perceptive. That always meant he'd end up having to admit something to himself and denial just felt sooooo much better.

"You know, if it affects you so badly, maybe I could call Luke on his cell and see how things are going. This way, we could at least have an idea of when he might get back to clear things up."

"I don't know. Is that a good idea? Wasn't the whole point of leaving Oakdale to figure things out on his own?"

"I won't give any advice, I swear. No interference whatsoever. But wouldn't it make you feel better if you knew whether he'll be back soon or not? This way you'd know how much time you have to prepare yourself before talking to him."

"Prepare myself for what? I'm fine. He's the one who has to come up with a decision."

"Uh huh. And you do sooo well in conversations involving feelings," Katie said sarcastically_,_ "or involving Noah for that matter. Because you know he'll probably come up in the conversation. Are you able to handle that now? Because I don't think you are."

Katie was right. Reid didn't feel up to having this kind of conversation with Luke right now. How could he? Every time he spoke to Luke, things just got more confusing. He kept saying one thing at one point, then saying the opposite later on. How could he know if what Luke was saying the real truth? How could he know if Luke had really figured things out or not?

After the 8th day, Luke Snyder had decided to change town. That little place had been nice and all, but it had been boring as hell in the last few days and it kind of reminded him of Noah with the pond and all. He wanted to figure things out about Reid in another place than where he had figured things out about Noah. And he **had **figured things out about Noah, on the second day actually, but it had taken him time to cry things out, make peace with the situation and himself and then simply relax because really, thinking and analysing things so hard was exhausting. So he left the small town in direction of Oakdale, not knowing where he would end up next but getting closer to home nonetheless. Stopping in a town with a nice looking hospital and a hotel that strangely reminded him of the one in Dallas had seemed like the perfect resolution.

The next days had been much calmer than the others. In a way, writing entries in his journal about Reid was much easier. Thinking about Reid made him smile instead of cry. However, it was also quite hard because the more he wrote about Reid, the more he missed him. He wanted to see him so badly. It had come to the point where Luke spent two days alternating between going to the movies, shopping at the mall and annihilating some poor kid at Dance Dance Revolution at the Game Corner in order to distract himself from thinking and missing Reid like crazy. At the end of that second day, Luke couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't ready to go back to Oakdale yet. He wasn't ready for the discussion he would need to have with Noah and was still quite confused about how and what to say exactly (should he tell Noah about Reid or wait? Which one is fair to Noah? And what if what's fair for Noah is the opposite of what's fair for Reid?) But Luke really, **really** needed to hear Reid's voice….and to know that he wouldn't be coming back to hidden-behind-a-hundred-icy-walls-Reid. So he picked up his cellphone and for the first time since leaving Oakdale, turned it on. It wasn't much of a surprise to see over 25 missed calls. Nor was it a surprise that almost all of them were from his mother. He supposed she didn't particularly like her son leaving town without telling her about it beforehand. He listened to a part of her first message then deleted it and all the others without listening to them. He knew his mother well enough to know exactly what she was saying in those messages. He was surprised however when a message from Katie came up.

"_Hey Luke! It's Katie. I know you're probably off figuring your love life but I wanted to take some news. You know, knowing if you're alive and well and returning to Oakdale one day so I don't get stuck living with BizzarroReid for the rest of my life. Anyway, you probably won't get this before returning to Oakdale. I'm sure your mother's been calling your cell none stop so it's probably always turned off, but if you do get it beforehand, can you call me and tell me that you're doing ok? It would really reassure a certain someone in love with my couch pillows. Thanks!"_

Luke smiled at Katie's message. It was good to know that Reid wanted to know if he was ok, although he was a little confused about the whole BizzaroReid and couch pillows things. Luke called Katie back immediately. Maybe he could ask her to find a way to make him listen to Reid's voice without him knowing about it?

Katie Snyder sported once again a look of utter disgust at her roommates eating habits. How someone could eat a sandwich that has peanut butter, pickles, cucumbers, pepperoni and who knows what else, was beyond her. And she had been pregnant!

"What?" Reid asked his mouth still full.

"Nothing. Just wondering if I should throw up or simply throw that thing in the garbage where it belongs."

"Why thank you for calling my stomach garbage or was that referring to me in general?"

"That's not what I mean and you…" Katie started saying until the phone rang.

She gave Reid her "you haven't won this round yet mister. Just you wait", and picked up the phone.

"Snyder-Oliver residence. Katie speaking. How may I help you?"

"Uh…"

Luke said speechless at how good Snyder-Oliver residence sounded_._

"Hey Katie. It's Luke."

" Luke! "

Katie had to keep herself from laughing out loud at Reid's reaction to Luke's name. He immediately straightened up and dropped his sandwich back on the plate. He didn't even try to feign not being interested for once.

"How are you doing Luke?"

"Good, good."

"But?"

"No but, it's just…oh god this is gonna sound kinda crazy. Euh...I know that it's not a good idea to talk to Reid before coming back you know, 'cause we need to talk about this face to face, but do you think that you could arrange it so I can hear his voice without him knowing? Like pretend to hang up with me but really put me on speaker phone so I can hear him talk?"

Katie didn't know how to answer that. She was standing there in the middle of the living room with her jaw wide open and a giddy feeling appearing in her stomach. 'OMG…that is so CUTE!' Katie thought. 'He can't wait until he comes back to hear Reid's voice! I knew Luke was romantic but that…aaaaaaawwwwwwwwww' Katie figured that her internal awing must have reflected on her face because her roommate was now looking at her like she had loose a couple of marbles just now.

"argh. You know what? Forget it. It was a stupid idea. Just…Just tell Reid and my mom I'm okay."

"No wait! Don't hang up! I think it's a great idea. Except I think he should know about it. Here let me give him the phone."

"What? No Katie wait!"

Katie looked at Reid, smiling with all her teeth and told him to pick up the phone. Reid hesitated. He wasn't sure this was a good idea. "Come on!" Katie whispered stomping her feet on the ground. She was literally bouncing in excitement right now. 'That woman **needs** to get a life!' thought Reid. She just wouldn't be able to stop interfering in everyone else's love life until she had one of her own. 'Although in a town like Oakhell, who could blame her for staying single?' Reid reflected.

" Hey" Reid said, rather was feeling a little embarrassed and shy for some reason. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Katie was looking at him like the cat that ate the canary, the fish, licked the cream and pinned it all on the dog.

"Hey" Luke answered back after what seemed minutes of silence.

"So…how are things at the hospital?"

"Good. Things are good."

"Great…"

" … "

"Look Reid. If this causes a problem for you just hang up ok? I didn't call to talk to you"

"Then why did you call?" Reid interrupted rather abruptly."…to hear you voice." Luke whispered, embarrassed.

"What?"

"I wanted…no I needed to hear your voice ok! I just…I told Katie to fake hanging up and to put me on speaker so I could hear you without things getting all awkward like right now."

"You…You wanted to hear my voice." Reid repeated rather incredulously

"Well yeah. I mean, it's been a while since we talked and I know I can't tell you what's going on with me right now 'cause we need to be face to face when we ash things out but…I…well… I miss you. "

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"So… what did you want to hear my voice talk about?"

Katie smiled at her roommate. Yeah, things would be alright in the end. She just knew it. Reid spent the next half hour telling Luke about random anecdotes from the hospital and about the sandwiches he made this week that provoked the biggest reactions of disgust from the biggest amount of people. He did all of the talking, which was incredibly unusual as he hated small talk, but he did it anyway because Luke needed to hear his voice and really, that was all Reid needed to know to go out of his comfort zone.

The next few days were much better for Reid Oliver. He was able to concentrate on his work much more, was less stressed and Doogie had stopped looking at him like he was the Lochness monster. Yes, things were much better. Well…except for Oakdale's memorial's nurses and interns that is. They had started to cry in the bathroom again.

As for Luke, he couldn't stop smiling the entire day after talking to Reid. He felt like someone had boosted him with way to much energy. He had his answer. Completely. There wasn't any doubt anymore. He started thinking about going back to Oakdale but knew it was still too soon. It had been a long while since Luke had taken a break from everything and did things by himself and for himself. When he went back to Oakdale, he would be back in shape, and with his head on straight. He figured registering for the hotel's forest walking and rock climbing activity would help him clear his head some more and the spa treatment offered by a clinic closed by would help him relax like he needed. He would go back to Oakdale soon. Once he finds out how in the world to talk about what he find out to Noah and Reid? He wasn't worried though. He'd figure it out. From now on, things would be just fine. Hard, he had no doubt about that, but in the end, they'll still be good.

AN: Finally! After one week of writers block! I couldn't take it anymore. And inspiration just had to come today when I had a huge headache now turned full blown migraine that makes me feel nauseous. But I had finally started writing again I just couldn't stop. I will now though. I wanted to write chapter 7 too but if I don't go to bed with ice on my head soon, I think I might actually throw up. Anyway, hope you like it! (and that it doesn't have a billion mistakes 'cause headaches and spelling/grammar don't go hand in hand)


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ATWT or its characters.

**Chapter 7:**

For the first time in months Luke Snyder was at peace. He finally knew what he wanted and had made peace with what he needed to let go of. However, as much as isolating yourself from others could help, there were just some things you needed another opinion on. That was why Luke's first stop when he arrived back in Oakdale was at Katie's. He needed her help to figure out how to go about things and to verify that he wasn't making a mistake as to how to handle the situation. Luke had arrived at Katie's when he suddenly realized that he had no idea what Reid's schedule was right now. He couldn't risk seeing Reid right now. Fortunately, a quick call to a confused Allison informed him that Reid was at the hospital and would be for a while. The coast was clear. Luke approached Katie's door and knocked.

Katie Snyder was happy. Ever since Luke's phone call a few days ago, her roommate had gone back to his usual self. However, Katie Snyder was also a little anxious. Reid's usual self wasn't particularly good at dealing with emotional things. She was a little afraid of the conversation he needed to have with Luke. She just couldn't imagine Reid sitting there while Luke explained to him what he had figured out. Her friend didn't look like it but he was actually extremely sensible…once you got under his walls. And no one had been able to pierce those defences better than Luke Snyder had. She was afraid things would be awkward. She could just see it in her mind. Luke would be sitting on the couch as far away from Reid as possible. The air would be dense with tension. Luke would feel insecure, doubting if it was a good idea to have this conversation with Reid. The doctor would automatically be on the defensive and therefore less receptive and more likely to misunderstand certain things (more precisely things regarding one Noah Mayer). Luke would talk about what he had discovered about himself, feeling incredibly embarrassed and foolish, especially since Reid would be sitting so stoically, letting no emotion pierce his mask, even after Luke had finished his speech. Reid, being unable to deal with serious emotions right away, would not react the way Luke would expect. He wouldn't smile like Luke needed him to. He would be uncomfortable, asking himself 'ok what am I supposed to do now' and when he would see Luke fidget and look apprehensive, maybe even scared, he would start feeling guilty and thinking absurdities such as Luke deserving better than him (Seriously that man lacked so much personal self-esteem at times, it was ridiculous) And of course, with thinking that Luke would be better with someone else, Reid would probably end up doing something that would push Luke away. The problem with this whole situation is that Reid hadn't thought about it as deeply as Luke will have. And Katie wasn't sure of what Reid could handle right now. She believed he would need time to process things, but she didn't see Luke being comfortable with the idea of giving Reid his speech then leaving immediately afterwards. Katie just hoped that for once in her life, she was totally wrong about the situation. Suddenly, Katie was snapped out of her thoughts by a knock on the door. 'Who could that be?' Katie thought. Normally, her friends didn't bother knocking on the door. They just entered and started their rant about whatever it was they needed her help with. When she opened the door, Katie squealed. It was Luke! He hadn't even had the time to say a word before Katie had jumped on him, hugging him so tight he had trouble breathing.

"Yeah, I'm happy to see you too Katie, but I'd like to breathe" Luke choked out. Immediately, Katie separated herself from him and let him enter.

I'm sorry Luke. I'm just so happy to see you. I haven't seen you in two weeks after all.

Two weeks? It feels like more.

Yeah, especially when a certain doctor is concerned right?

Luke's cheek instantly went bright red. 'Oh yeah' Katie thought. 'He has it bad'

So. How did it go?

Horrible, _Luke replied with a small chuckle_

That bad uh?

Worse. The first few days…Gosh I've never felt such pain before. Letting go of Noah…it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do Katie. But I needed to. He didn't fit what I was looking for anymore

And what are you looking for?

…Reid, _Luke whispered embarrassed._ Literally. He just….He's what I want and what I think I need. I just…I just hope he feels the same.

Are you doubting it?

Katie, I'm a 22 years old alcoholic college drop out. My life up until now makes soaps look like every day life. I come with a lot of baggage, but not that much to offer. I just…I'm not sure I'm what he needs and when he realizes that…

Dear Lord you two are the worst pair of idiots I've ever met! I swear I feel like I'm talking to Reid-the-pillow-hugger right now!

Luke looked at Katie like she had grown an extra head. Reid-the-pillow-hugger? What in the world..? His confusion must have shown on his face quite clearly because Katie automatically started explaining herself.

Reid has multiple facets, as I'm sure you've observe. There's the take-no-prisoner-antisocial-doctor, the-adorable-nerd, the sweet-tender-guy like when you called the other day and probably many more that I haven't met yet. One other facet that I have met however, is the pillow-hugger, named as such simply because Reid has some weird obsession with hugging my couch's pillows when he's in that mood.

Really, _Luke asked chuckling_. I can't see it. Reid hugging a pillow is just…

Well he does, so you better get used to it. Though I supposed you won't really get to witness it much. Reid-the-pillow-hugger appears either when Reid is moping, sad, depressed, pouting, or when he gets insecure and his self-esteem issues resurface. So I supposed you won't see him like that. Not for a while anyway. Reid hates being vulnerable. So anyway, right now you sound just like him when he's having a pity party with my pillows. You shouldn't. You deserve Reid and Reid deserves you. So you guys really need to stop with the whole 'he'd better with someone else'. You're just going to hurt each other if you continue on this venue.

Luke nodded. Katie was right. Self-doubt was never good in any relationship. It always leaded to ever worst problems. He needed to be confident when he talked to Reid. But for that to happen…

Katie, the reason I came here first is because I need your advice about something.

Ok. Shoot. What can I help you with.

Alright. So I thought about it, and I figured that the best thing to do would be to talk to Noah first. He was my first love and is my ex-boyfriend who wanted to get back with me, but then pushed me away again. Right now, we're in a limbo and I owe it to him to do things properly and end things definitely with him. Not to mention that Noah is a serious issue between Reid and I so there's no way I could come to Reid without having broken things up completely with Noah.

Right. Soooo, what's the problem exactly?

Well…you know Reid pretty well right? _Katie nodded, waiting for Luke to continue_, before this whole thing, when I told Reid I wanted to tell Noah about us, he said that I shouldn't. That Noah was recovering and it was the last thing he needed right now. And…I don't want to hurt Noah any more than necessary. But I'm not sure it's fair to him if I don't tell him about Reid. Not if Reid and I start something right away. I mean, I'm gonna tell Noah that I don't feel the same way about him anymore. But I don't know if I should mention having feelings for someone else. On one hand, it's so soon and it might really hurt him. On the other hand, if he sees me with Reid and deduces it by himself, it'll hurt him even worse. So what do you think I should do? Do I come clean to Noah about Reid, hurt him and possibly risk Reid being pissed at me, or not?

Wow. You really thought about this a lot haven't you? Ok well…I think that you have to be absolutely clear with Noah as to your feelings for him and makes sure he understands and knows why you can't be with him anymore. He has to know that whether or not there is someone else out there for you, you wouldn't be going back to him anyway. I think that would be one of the problems with telling him. He'd think Reid stole you away from him and imagine he can win you back.

Luke nodded. It made sense. Katie bit her lip in thought before continuing. This was really difficult. She knew that a part of Reid must have wanted Noah to know he had something with Luke but there was obviously another part that didn't want it. She just didn't know which part of Reid would win. She didn't want to give Luke an advice that will cause a fight.

I think that there's no definite answer and I can't decide for you. I could tell you something and you could agree to it, but when you'd be in front of Noah in would be another story. I think that honesty is the best. So yes, you should tell Noah that there is someone else. You may tell him that you'd rather not say who since you don't know if it will come to anything. This way you'll have the time to talk to Reid about putting your relationship out in the open and Noah would have some time to swallow the pill before he discovers the other guy is actually his doctor. However, I also think that if Noah reacts very badly to the break-up, for example if he gets aggressive or accusative or just seems really non-responsive, then you should wait until later to tell him there's someone else. It really depends on how he reacts, so I'm afraid you'll have to make that decision by yourself once you're there. Sorry, I can't help more.

It's okay. Hopefully, you can help me with my other concern. I have this fear that Reid may not be…uhm ready? Receptive? To having a serious conversation about my feelings. When I said Noah was an issue between us, I meant a BIG issue. So I really don't know how to go about it. I mean, what if he doubts me after everything? I just have that impression that baring my soul to Reid won't be enough to convince him that I'm totally serious about him and over Noah.

It is a possibility. Reid has very strong emotional defences; they may kick in during your conversation. More than likely, Reid will need time to think things over

Yeah that's what I thought too.

He may doubt your feelings since there's no proof of them and he's so logical at tim…

Wait, _Luke interrupted. He had a face that screamed Eureka_. You said Reid would need proof of what I'm feeling right?

Yes, but you can't prove…

Yes I can! I have something he can't doubt. If I tell him how I feel, he can think that I'm lying or that I'll change my mind. But there's something that can show him exactly what happened with me, show him exactly how I feel. And it'll give him time to think before we talk! Thanks Katie! You're the best!_ Luke said kissing Katie on her cheek_ Now I know what I have to do. I'll see you later _Luke added as he quickly left._

Wait, can I know what it is you'll do? _Katie asked, but it was too late. The younger man was already gone. _Damn. That means I'll have to trick Reid into telling me what Luke did!

**AN: **Hope you liked it! It's a little shorter than normal sorry, but it's because what I want to write next might be real long, so I thought I'd just make shorter chapters. Anyway, I plan on working on the next chapter soon (like tomorrow) so unless I'm attacked by a new muse after tomorrow's ep to start a new fic, or find myself crazily inspired for "and nothing else" so badly I need to write many chaps in a row, chap 8 of this story should arrive soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Diclaimer: Don't own ATWT**** or it's characters (wished I did…especially Reid)**

**AN: **I know I said there would be Reid in this chapter but….yeah he's not there. Sorry *hides herself* I wanted him to be really I did, I had a nice little plan in my head but…yeah…I have been told by teacher I needed to be more concise. Apparently, they had a point. I just finish writing this and I just feel this is where this chapter ends. Next chappie will be about Reid, that I can promise!

**Chapter 8**

Luke knew what to do about Reid. He wasn't completely sure that his idea would work out like he wanted it to, but it was better than having an awkward conversation with the doctor, opening his heart completely, only to have him doubt Luke's words. This way, he would know exactly what Luke has been through. He would understand why he had been so indecisive before. Or at least Luke really hoped so. But first, he needed to find a way to get it to Reid, without risking Reid seeing him do it. Luke was so nervous he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. His palms were sweaty and trembling. The anticipation was killing him. All he wanted to do was marched up to that hospital, find Reid and kiss the daylight out of him. But unfortunately, he knew he couldn't. There were steps to take before starting something with Reid, assuming that Reid wanted a serious relationship at all. Luke was pretty sure he did, but he knew the other man could be quite difficult and closed off. 'Well, I guess I'll just have to keep on fighting if he turns me down the first time.' Luke thought. Once arrived at Memorial, Luke sent a text to Allison and waited for her in the parking lot. It only took a couple of minutes for his friend to join him.

"Luke," Allison screamed, "what's going on?"

" Hey Alli!" Luke answered hugging his friend. "Long time no see."

"Yes and what exactly was that all about? I don't see you at the hospital for days, which is unusual, and when I go to your house for a visit, I'm told that you've left time for someplace unknown for who knows how long and no one has been able to reach you! Do you know how worried I was? I know we haven't been that close in the last few months, but Luke you're still my friend. I still care about you and if something is wrong, you have to know you can trust me to be there for you. No need to run away. "

"Thanks Alli. I appreciate it, but nothing's wrong anymore." Luke said smiling like he hadn't done for a long time_._ "Ok so actually, that's not totally true. I still have things to work out with people and it's probably going to be quite difficult, but I'm hopeful and I know what I want and that feels so good, you have no idea."

"Ok wait…go back. You know what you want now, so you didn't before. Is this about getting back together with Noah? Are you guys hooking up again?"

"No," Luke answered Allison's hopeful question more firmly than he had wanted, "Noah and I are over. Look Alli, I left to figure out my feelings. What I wanted, what I needed and who could give those things to me. Noah wasn't the one who could."

"Wait, the one? You mean there's someone else in the portrait?" Luke's intense blushed answered her question, "Who?"

"Well, I know it may seem strange, considering how we started but…"

"Oh my god!" Allison interrupted, putting all the signals she had witnessed in the last few months together, "you love !"

"What?"Luke said in surprise at his friend insight.

"Oh my god! I can't believe I didn't know that. I could I not see? It was so obvious. "

"Alli! You couldn't have known. Reid and I were pretty discreet about it.

"Are you kidding me? You were giving him the eyes about every time you saw him! I can't believe I didn't put two and two together. I mean I saw it all the time, I should have known, but I was so sure you were still crazy in love with Noah….ooooohhhh. Noah. Thank god he was blind. He would not have taken those looks well."

"What looks? What are _the eyes_"

"You know" Allison said to her apparently clueless friend, "the I'm-dying-to-push-you-on-my-bed-and-lick-every-inch-of-your-body eyes."

Luke gave her an incredulous look. He didn't look at Reid like that? Did he?

"Oh yes you look at him like that. Seriously, the eye-sexing you did with was intense it made me nauseous. I think that's why it didn't click until now. The implications were much too detailed for me. I really didn't need those kinds of mental images between the hard-ass doctor I work with and one of my best friends. I could have never looked at him in the eye again. Thank you lord for giving humans the ability of denial and of suppressing things into your subconscious."

"Well, I hope you can look at him in the eye now; I don't want Reid to suspect you know something. I'm not exactly sure where we're going or how he'd react to others knowing yet. So please keep it quiet ok? I don't need rumours about my relationship with Reid before I get to start a relationship with Reid."

"Don't worry. You know you can trust me. And beside, who in the world would believe me? Now, how about you tell me what that favour is?"

"Right" Luke said reaching into his bag, "I need you to put this somewhere you're sure Reid will find it. Today. The sooner he gets it, the sooner he can figure things out on his side."

"Ooookay. You know what you're doing".

"Not totally, but I was afraid that an open-hearted serious talk would make him bolt."

"I can see him do that. Honestly Luke I don't know what in the world you can see in that man. He's just so…argh! But it's obvious he makes you happy. You've smile more in the last ten minutes than you have in the last ten months. He's good for you. I don't get it, and him coming to our friendly dinners will be awkward at first, but he seems good for you, so I'll accept it and try to make him feel welcome in the world of Luke Snyder's entourage."

"Thanks Alli. I can't tell you how much that means to me" Luke hugged her. "Thank you for doing this. I really didn't want to risk seeing Reid before my talk with Noah."

The friends hugged a little longer before separating and leaving to accomplish their mission. For Luke, it was to find Noah. For Allison, it was to put a notebook and letter somewhere would find it.

When Luke arrived at Noah's place, his smile was long gone. Although he had been happier in the last few days, it was still painful to think about Noah and about how their relationship was over for good. It was closing down an incredibly important chapter in his life and it wasn't easy to do. It hadn't been easy to do the transition between childhood and adolescence; it wasn't any easier to close the chapter of his adolescence and his teenage love to open the chapter of adulthood. Gripping as much courage as he could, Luke knocked on the door and waited. It wasn't long before Noah Mayer, his first love, the boy who had been the center of his universe for years had opened the door.

"Hey" Luke said

"Luke? …Hi"

"Do you…do you have…I need to talk to you. Are you busy right now?"

"No, no. I had nothing plan for this afternoon. It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too Noah" Luke said sincerely.

'Wow. This isn't awkward a bit' Luke thought sarcastically. The tension in the room was palatable. Neither boy really knew where to start. Noah was feeling unsure of where he stood with Luke. The last time he had seen him, he had told Luke to leave. He wanted Luke to be there for him because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to. How could he explain that? How could he tell Luke that he had missed him so much, even though he had been the one to push the other away? How do you tell a guy you've pushed away that it hurt you when he didn't try to contact you afterwards? For Luke, things weren't any easier. After all, is there really a politically correct way to start the conversation where you will put a definite stop to your romantic relationship with your long-time ex-boyfriend and tell him you want to stay friends? Luke didn't think so. No matter how he started and what he said, that conversation was going to hurt. 'I guess I'll just go with the flow' Luke thought 'explain to him how I see things now'

"I've…." Luke started. "I don't know if you knew this, but I've been gone for the last two weeks and I've just come back to Oakdale."

Luke swallowed. He had the Sahara desert in his mouth. It was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Lord, what was he doing there? Should he have waited longer? No. He had to do this now. No backing down. No matter when he had this conversation, it would be painful. Beside, he had Reid to think about now. Both Noah and the doctor deserved Luke coming clean about his feelings once and for all. As for Noah, he felt a little better knowing that the reason Luke hadn't been trying to see him again was because he wasn't in Oakdale.

"You went on a business meeting? How was it?"

"No. I…I didn't go on a business meeting Noah"

"Then why did you leave?" asked a confused Noah, "was it because of what I said? Luke, the only reason I said that is because I wanted you to be there with me because you wanted to, not because you felt oblige to it. I wanted you to want to be with me for me, not out of obligation."

"I…ok I can understand that. But Noah, you were never an obligation to me. I never did anything for you out of guilt or obligation. I did it because I care for you very much and I will do anything to help my friends as much as I can. You should know that."

"I know. I know. I guess I was being a little silly, but you had been distant that entire day and…wait".

Noah paused and thought back on what Luke had just said. 'To help my friends'. Luke had used the words** '**to help my friends'. Not 'to help the man I love' or 'to help my boyfriend', but 'to help my friends'. Did that mean something or was it just a fluke? Something you say without meaning anything without it? Luke looked at Noah's confused face and wondered what he could be pondering over. Then he realised. Ah. That wasn't exactly how he had imagined approaching the subject, but he knew that this wouldn't go down like any of the hundred versions he had imagined of this conversation.

"Look Noah, I…I love you very much. I do. And that will never change. But you were right when you said I was being distant with you. I was. I was hiding from you as much as possible because…I really didn't know left from right anymore. Everything was such a mess. For months you had been pushing me away and all of a sudden, because you had your eyesight back, you miraculously wanted to be with me again."

"It wasn't like that…"

"It felt like that" interrupted Luke with a stronger and slightly harsh voice. "It felt like our relationship depended on your sight. But I loved you with it or not. My love for you hadn't changed after the accident Noah. I still loved you and I wanted to be there for you because that's how I am with the people I love. I like to take care of others as much as I like being taken care of. But you wouldn't let me take care of you. Worst, you made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to take care of you. You made me feel like I was at fault for our problems. But it takes two to tango Noah. I wasn't the only one who was giving the other what he needed."

Noah wasn't sure how to take any of that. He wasn't sure where this was going but he knew deep down in his gut, that he wouldn't like it.

"Listen. Before I left, I was confused and hurting. And after talking to my mom and Katie, I decided to take Katie's advice and leave town until I figure things out."

"Figure what out, Luke?"

"Figured my feelings out. Figured what I wanted and what I needed and I did. I thought about it really hard. And it was…you can't imagine how hard it was Noah. It killed me inside. It hurt so much."

"Why?"

Luke had tears falling from his eyes now. When Noah had tried to explain why he had pushed him away that last time, he had look at Luke with such eagerness, such hope to get things back together with him. He knew that would never be. But more than that, he knew it should never be. There was a reason Luke hadn't felt loved by Noah in a long time, but just like Luke before, Noah hadn't admitted it to himself yet. He still clang at the only thing he knew. He clang at what had made him happy and hoped it would make him happy again. He just hope Noah would realise what Luke had; they couldn't be happy in a romantic relationship together anymore.

"Noah…what I figure out is that… I want…what I want is what anyone wants really. What I want is what we used to have at the beginning."

"We will. I know it has been hard for us, but I'm better now. We still have things to work out but you'll see in no time things will be back to what they were before the accident and…"

"That's exactly it Noah. I want things that we had at the beginning of us. I don't want what we had before the accident."

"What do you mean?" Noah asked. His voice had lost its eagerness and was filled with anxiety.

"I want…when I'm with my boyfriend, I want to feel butterflies. I want being with him to enough to make me smile. I want to feel loved and wanted and appreciated for who I am. I want someone who will be as committed to us as I am. Someone who will need me and want me as much as I want him. I need stability. I need to know where I stand and that I can trust my partner with anything without fearing him pushing me away. I need someone who makes me a better person, a person that I enjoy being. I need someone I can always count on, for better or for worse. Someone with whom the idea of forever seems like a very high probability. And I need…I need someone who will accept my caring nature, no actually I need someone who will like my caring nature and let me take care of him as much as he takes care of me."

"Luke…" Noah interrupted him

"Let me finish. Please Noah this is hard enough" Luke choked out "I need a relationship that I can believe in. I want and need a lot of things Noah. And those things…..you can't give me."

"Luke…you don't know that! Yes it's been hard these last few months but…"

"Noah! Think about it! When was the last time you gave me any of these things? When was the last time I felt like you did? This has been going on since before the accident Noah. I haven't felt loved or wanted since way before the accident."

"That's ridiculous!"

"Is it? Because Noah, when your boyfriend doesn't feel loved in the same manner that he loves you, when he feels everything is his fault, when he feels inadequate…there's a reason for all of those things. You don't feel like that when your boyfriend is still in love with you."

"I am…how can you even say that!" Noah nearly screamed "Of course I love you!"

"I didn't say you didn't love me Noah."

"Yes you did…"

" No I said you weren't in love with me. I know you still love me. And I…I really hope you always will. But I don't think you love me romantically anymore Noah. You have to stop and think about it. We've been together for so long and we've loved each other for so long, that we didn't want to see that our love had changed. We took for granted that because we still loved one another, we were still in love. But as scary and painful as that idea is, the truth is…we haven't been in love for a while. Think back Noah. Think about the beginning of our relationship. Think about how I made you feel. Can you honestly say that you still feel like that when you're with me? Can you honestly say that you really want to be together with me? Because I can't. I'm tired Noah. When I think about our relationship, I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting for something that doesn't exist anymore. Not with you."

Noah felt like he couldn't get any air in his lungs. Someone had just rolled over him with their car. It couldn't be? 'Please tell me he's not saying what I think he's saying' Noah thought.

"So what are you saying exactly Luke, huh? That it's over? Just like that?

"No not just like that. It's been over for a while. And deep, deep down you know it. You just hadn't received the push I did to figure things out yet."

"I…..I don't know what to say. I mean…how can you…you don't know that what we have isn't romantic anymore. It could just be the normal evolution of things. It's normal for butterflies to go away. It's just…we're in a bad spot right now but…"

"Noah, please. I thought about it for days. I cried myself out for days. I know what it feels like to be in love. I know what it feels like to smile every time you see the man you love. I know what it feels like to smile because your man makes you happy, not only because you're happy for him, which is basically the only kind of sincere smile I've had with you for a long time. It's over Noah. I'm not in love with you anymore. I love you. I do. But it's more like a very deep friendship. Kinda like family and I know you don't want to hear this right now, but it's true. I still love you but not that way."

Noah's eyes were filled with tears and he was shaking under the emotions that filled his being. His heart hurt so much. It was as if someone was ripping him apart from the inside out. It felt awful. And god, those words 'I'm not in love with you anymore'? Nothing had ever been so painful to hear. Noah tried to understand what Luke was saying and he did understand some of it. But unlike Luke, he didn't think it was irreparable. He sincerely thought that they could fall in love again.

"Luke. Maybe what we have isn't what it used to be. And maybe right now we're not in love with each other. We've gone through some really tough times and our love was hit hard by them. It's normal for love to diminish under duress but it doesn't mean it will stay that way. We could fall back in love again Luke. We could take things slow. Start dating like a new couple again. We've changed. We need to discover each other again."

"We have changed. And I'd love to discover you again Noah. As a friend."

"But Luke it won't be as a friend. We've loved each other so much, do you really think that if we start all over again, we won't fall for each other again?" Noah said with a rather incredulous tone

Luke cringed at Noah's last question. He really didn't want to have to go there. Noah was hurt enough as it was. He didn't need to know anything else other than Luke not being in love with him anymore. But he didn't seem to accept that as being definitive, when in reality, it was. Luke was afraid he had no other choice. Noah had to understand that they would never, ever, get back together.

"Yes, Noah, I can. I can honestly say that I won't fall back in love with you. Ever again. I know it might sound harsh, but I need you to understand. You and me had a beautiful relationship. You made me so happy, you have no idea and I will always be grateful to god for putting you in my path. I wouldn't change being with you for the world Noah. Thank you for those years. You did truly make me happy. And I was in love with you. You were my first love. My first everything. You made me discover many things about myself, helped me in my times of need and made me evolve, made me a better person. The thing is, now, I've evolved in a way that separates our paths. I…I've moved on Noah. Things have changed. Our relationship was wonderful, but now it's part of my past and I won't ever go back there again. We had our time Noah. And it was an amazing time. But we weren't meant for forever and now it's time for us to discover something else."

"How…"Noah didn't know what to say. It hurt so much. "You didn't use to think that. Why do you think that? Why do you think we can't fall back in love with each other?"

Luke bit his lips. Should he really answer that question? He looked at Noah. He was looking so lost and sad….and terrified. He knew how that felt. Noah was desperate to make Luke change his mind because he was afraid. They had been LukeandNoah for so long….Noah didn't know what it implied for their relationship to be finished. He didn't know what was ahead and it was scary, so he clanged to his relationship with Luke. Luke had mentally done the same for a long time.

"Noah…I will never be in love with you again because what I feel for you, is a love reserved to family. It won't ever cross that line again. I'm sorry, but you need to let go. I know it's scary. I was afraid too. But we're over Noah. I told you, you can't give me what I want."

"Are you sure? I mean I can change"

"Noah, listen to me" Luke interrupted him, taking the other boy's hands in his and looking at him right in the eyes. **"You** can't give me what I want." Noah still looked confused. "**You** are not what I want anymore."

Noah listened to Luke intensely, trying to figure out what the other boy was telling him. He looked back on everything that was said. And then he got it. When Luke had been talking about what he wanted and needed, he had had a huge smile over his face even though he wasn't getting those things with Noah. He was getting them from someone else.

"You have someone else." Luke blushed at Noah's finding. "I…I have the hope of someone else, yes." Luke said shyly.

"I see…since when?"

"A while" Luke sigh. He didn't want to hurt Noah even more, but he didn't want to lie either. Noah meant too much for him. "But Noah, even without the hope of someone else, I would have still said all those things to you today. I'm not breaking up with you for another guy. I'm calling things off for good because I don't love you like that anymore. And that won't change whether this guy wants to start something with me or not."

"Can I ask whom?" Noah's tone had grown colder with each passing moment

"I don't think it's a good idea. Nothing is official between us and really…it'll just hurt you Noah. I think I did that enough today."

"You think it's better if I walk down the street and see you with him? Especially if I know him! I'd like a little warning. You know, be able to avoid your paramour."

Luke bit his lips. Damn, what was he supposed to do? Before he had left, Reid hadn't wanted Noah to know about them but…'Oh Reid. I really hope I'm not making a mistake here.' Luke thought.

"I…it's…" Lord this was so hard.

"It's?" Noah insisted

"…Reid" Luke answered after taking a deep breath

"Reid…as in ? You're interested in my doctor?" Noah exclaimed. He couldn't believe it.

"See I told you it was a bad idea to tell you."

"Well excuse me for being a little shocked. You guys hated each other or was that just subterfuge to hide your relationship from me?"

"First, as of yet, Reid and I have not had a relationship and I'm not 100% sure we will have one in the future. Second, we didn't hate each other as much as we couldn't stand each other. I used to drive Reid completely mad and he annoyed me like no other. But…I got to see sides of him while working with him and then in Texas that I hadn't thought existed and…he makes me happy Noah. I'm sorry but when I hang out with him, I'm happier than I've been in a long time."

"Yeah" Noah choked out painfully, "you did look like you were having fun with him there a couple of times. I guess…there's really nothing I can do about it. If you love Dr. Oliver and you don't love me anymore."

"I do love you just…"

"Not the way I want you to."

"The way you want me to love you, isn't the way you need me to love you."

"Maybe." Noah admitted. "But I'm not really sure about that. I…I think…Look Luke, I know you probably want to be friends and all, but I can't ok? I just…"

"You need time."

"Yeah."

"Ok. Take as much time as you want Noah. I will miss you. I care for you a lot. But I know this is painful. Believe it or not, I'm in emotional pain too right now. It hurts that we're over Noah. Don't think it doesn't. Don't think for a second moving on from you wasn't the most excruciating thing I've ever had to do. But…there was really no other choice but this for me. I understand you need to be away from me for a while. I respect that. Just…just come find me when you're ready. Ok?"

"Yeah"

Luke looked at his first love with tears in his eyes and a broken heart. Noah seemed so devastated. It hurt. But there really was no other way. He gave Noah one last bone-breaking hug before leaving the other man to deal with all of this. Noah stayed stiff in Luke's hug and once his boy…ex-boyfriend had closed the door, Noah Mayer collapsed in heart-wrenching sobs.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Don't own ATWT**

**AN:** I've had writer's block for what seems like forever, but actually been a week. Sorry about that. I was finally able to write something. Sadly it wasn't the next chapter of "and nothing else" but hopefully I'll be able to work on it Saturday (and tomorrow if I can get enough free time) Anyway, I'm writing chapter 10 of this right now, because it really needs to follow chap 9, I think. Anyway, Enjoy!

**Chapter 9**

Oliver was irritated. Couldn't anyone do their jobs properly in this town? Seriously, how difficult was it to read an X-Ray? In three years time, Jacob will probably be able to do it better than the majority of Memorial's staff! Reid needed a sandwich. Fast. Reid picked up his lunch box and sat down at his desk to devour the huge sandwich Katie had nicely made him that morning (all the while sporting a disgusted expression on her pretty face and running live commentary about how awful her roommate's taste in food was). But as he sat at his desk, he notice something was out of place. Or rather something that wasn't there before was. It was a notebook with a letter attached to it. The envelope simply said 'Reid'. There were only two people in Oakdale who called him that and got away with it: Katie and Luke. It couldn't be from the former though; if Katie had needed to tell him something she would have called or slipped in a note in his lunchbox this morning. Which meant that this was from Luke. Suddenly Reid Oliver wasn't hungry anymore. His stomach was much too busy doing summersaults to be thinking about food now. Reid gulped and nervously took the letter in his hand. After Luke's phone call, Reid had been quite optimistic about Luke's decision, but now he wasn't so sure. What could Luke possibly have to tell him that he couldn't say it in person and preferred to use a letter instead? The last time Reid had received a letter from a guy, the message had basically been 'You're a jerk and I'm leaving you for someone ten times better. Hope to never see you again!' But Luke wouldn't do that. Right? Surely if he had chosen Noah he'd tell him in person. Doubts started creeping in. I mean, it wasn't news to anybody that Luke hated hurting people and felt guilty if he did. It wouldn't be that far of a stretch to think that he wouldn't be able to confront Reid in person to tell him no. And what's with the notebook? No, Reid couldn't do this. He couldn't risk reading that letter while at work. He had a job to do and he really didn't need any distractions right now. Nonetheless, by the time Reid's shift had ended, he had found himself unable to just leave the letter and notebook there. Although he feared what the letter could be saying, he really needed to find an answer one way or the other.

Once home, Reid didn't make himself a sandwich like he normally does. Instead, he sat on his couch, staring attentively at a letter, as if he was trying to make it talk to him or to burn it with his eyes (he wasn't really sure which one he wanted to do). He really wished Katie was home. Then again, if she were, she would be scolding him for being stupid and ordering him to read that letter before she decided to never buy the ingredients he needed for his precious sandwiches ever again. 'Come on Reid, don't be a coward.' Reid thought,'Let's just get this over with so we can forget all about that kid and go back to how we were' Tentatively, Reid

_Dear Reid,_

_As you have guessed I'm back in town and I'm ready to inform the concerned people about my findings and the decisions I have made. However, once arrived in Oakdale, I found myself with a gut-wrenching worry on how things would play out and therefore sought advice from the person who knows you best in Oakdale. Katie and I talked and we noticed that we shared a similar concern. We're both worried about how an openly emotional discussion between you and I would go. You're not the easiest person to get through to, Reid. There are so many walls that you're able to put up and just like me, you probably have some insecurities and fears about you and I. All I could think about on the way back to Oakdale was that look you gave me that one time when I said that Noah and I weren't back together. In your eyes, I saw doubts. And it would kill me to see you doubt my words right now. Because what I have to say, is the truth at 100%. It's what my heart is screaming out loud, yet Katie and I both think that you probably wouldn't be able to believe me completely if I were to show up tonight and talk to you. So instead of talking to you, I'll simply show you. I'll show you what has happened in the last few weeks like you were there to witness it. This notebook was my diary during my time away. I wrote what I felt, thought, and decided in it. I want you, no I need you to read this. I need you to understand what I went through, how things were for me. I think it might help you understand how I acted before leaving a little bit better. While you read this, I want you to really think about what you want and what you feel for me. I know what I figured out in the last two weeks, but I don't know if you have done the same. I don't know the process you've been through, if you have thought about me or us at all. I want you to think things through before giving me an answer Reid because if you change your mind later on, I won't be able to take it. So please, take your time to read this journal and discover if what you want is the same thing I do._

_All my love Sincerely, Luke_

_P.S. If you have questions, doubts or difficulties in figuring things out, I suggest you talk to Katie. She's the reason I went through the whole self-search process, and I talked to her about some things so she knows what she's talking about._

'Ok, so it's not a I'm-in-love-with-Noah-I-don't-want-to-see-you-again letter.' Reid thought. However, for some reason, he didn't feel much better. What would he find in that journal? And why didn't Luke want to talk to him in person. Sure, Reid wasn't the easiest person to deal with, he had always accepted that about himself, but he wasn't an ogre. What did Luke think Reid would do? Chunk him out on his ass? 'He doesn't trust me.' Reid thought bitterly. 'Well I guess that answers that' Reid took the letter and notebook and threw them in the garbage can. It didn't matter what that notebook said. It didn't matter if Luke wanted to be with him. Reid wouldn't be with someone who had so little faith in him. It would never work out Reid wasn't that great of a person, but he still thought he deserved better than someone who apparently thought so little of him.

Katie Snyder was filled with anticipation. She couldn't wait to see Reid at home. She didn't know what Luke at planned, but she was sure that it had at least been put in motion and she couldn't wait to see what it was and how Reid was reacting to it. However, Katie was severely disappointed at coming home to a dark house. Apparently, her friend had decided to call it an early night. 'Oh well' she thought 'I'll just have to make sure to get up early enough tomorrow to have time to harass him before he goes to work'. Still, it would have been nice to talk to Reid. There wasn't much there to do after she put Jacob to sleep in his bed and she had been so excited about the whole Luke/Reid thing that she had way too much energy to be able to go to sleep now. She needed something to do….cleaning time! So Katie walked around her apartment, and started to clean things, put others away, and made a pile of things to throw away. When she was finally done, she took that pile to the garbage can, but never put it in. In the garbage, there was a notebook and a letter. "Reid" Katie said aloud, sighing "How many times do I have to tell that man that paper goes in the recycling bin, not the garbage?" Katie took them out, but didn't put them in the recycling bin yet. She was always a little curious about the mail Reid received since he received so little of it. But surprisingly, this letter didn't have any stamp on it or address. And the penmanship seemed oddly familiar. Her curiosity spiked at the highest level, Katie opened the letter and read it. She went from surprised, to happy, to confused to downright furious. Apparently, Luke had written a journal while away and had decided it would be a nice way to prove to Reid that his feelings were sincere. Which Katie thought was an absolutely great idea. And yet, although Luke had found this creative way to tell Reid he loved him without pushing him in a corner and forcing him to answer immediately, he idiot roommate had actually thrown away Luke's letter and notebook? What in the hell was wrong with this man? 'Well, you're not gonna get away with it mister. I know you love Luke and I'll be damn if I let you disregard his feelings like they were garbage and break his heart' That was it. Katie was now officially on a mission and nothing would stop her from accomplishing it, not even a sound asleep Reid Oliver.

"Reid wake up" Katie said from Reid's bedroom doorway. Her voice was hard with suppressed anger. Reid, however, stayed sound asleep. She tried again but it had the same effect. 'Alright, that's it' Katie thought. She went to the bed, took the sheets off or Reid, grabbed both his feet and pulled him out of bed while screaming "Reid Oliver, you wake up right now" To say Reid had a harsh awakening would be an understatement. He found himself falling on the floor with a bang while his ears were assaulted with an awful screech. "What the hell?" he said sleepily.

"Ah Finally you're awake!" Katie exclaimed in an angry tone.

"Katie" Reid said stretching to see his alarm clock. "It's like past 1 am. I work tomorrow"

"Yeah well, you know what Reid? I don't care. Now get your ass off that floor, into some pants and on my couch. You have three minutes. One second more and I'll resort to bodily harm" Katie turned around leaving an extremely confused, half-awake friend.

Slowly, Reid got up, turned on a light and looked for some pants. He didn't know what was wrong with Katie but she seemed ready to commit murder right about now and although Reid was normally a brave man who could have a gun pressed on his head without flinching, he had one weakness: he was scared shitless of angry females. Seriously, women were scary. So even though the only thing he wanted was to go back to sleep, he put on some pants and went to sit on the living room's couch, while Katie was glaring at him from afar, her arms crossed on her chest and her foot taping on the floor. Suddenly, he felt like a kid about to get the scolding of his life from his mother. That made the neurosurgeon nervous. He had never been good at handling his mother when in that state. Somehow, no matter what young Reid did or said, he just seemed to anger his matriarch even more. 'Why do I feel like this is going to end badly?' Reid asked himself.

"Do you know why you're here Reid?" Katie asked. Uh huh. Trick question. He had never been able to answer that darn question correctly before. Somehow, he felt that saying _because you're hormones and ovaries are doing wacky thing_s_ to your body_ wasn't the right thing to say, so he opted for simply keeping his mouth shut. Age had made him wiser after all, plus his balls still painfully remembered Suzie Campbell's reaction to that sentence (See? Women are scary)

"No? Alright then I'll show you" Katie picked up the notebook "Do you know where I found this Reid?" Her roommate stayed silent. "You do know what this is right?"

"Yes I do" Reid said tiredly. "And it's really none of your business"

"None of my business? None of my business!" Katie screamed. "Reid, you are my friend and I love you, but I care for Luke too and I won't stand for you treating him like this"

"Like what?"

"Like garbage!"

"I'm not" Reid said matter-of-factly

"Well then why did you throw his notebook away after reading his letter? How could you?"

"Katie, this is between Luke and I"

"Oh. I see. So what? You're going to tell him that you threw his notebook away? That you couldn't care less about his feelings?" Katie choked, tears coming to her eyes. "If you were going to crush his heart so cruelly why did you pretend to be interested in him in the first place? If you don't love him, why did you make him believe that he had a chance with you? Why Reid? Just tell me that" Reid looked down at his feet. "I thought you cared about him"

"I do" Reid whispered

"Then what's the problem Reid? Why didn't you read his journal like he wanted you to."

"Because it would be useless. I don't need to know what's in it Katie. It doesn't matter"

"How can Luke's feelings not matter?" Katie asked getting angry again

"Because it won't change anything ok! I can't be with someone who obviously doesn't trust me!" Reid screamed back at her. Katie looked at him in bewilderment.

"How in the world can you think he doesn't trust you?"

"It's quite obvious actually. He gave me that book instead of coming to talk to me in person. He didn't trust me to act correctly, to listen to him and believe him…"

"Don't you think that has more to do with insecurity and fear than with trust Reid?" Katie interrupted him. He didn't answer her. "Reid, when Luke came here and told me about his worries, I agreed with him. There was a chance that you would have had your defences up when he came to you, and when that's the case, no offence, but you can be quite a bastard. And Luke couldn't have handled that. He wears his heart on his sleeve, you know that."

"Yeah I know. But Katie, I've been interested in him for months. Months, Katie! That never happened before. I've never wanted someone as badly as I want Luke and I clearly showed him I was interested in him. How could he think for one second that I would push him away? I'm not Noah, Katie! I wouldn't do that! I love him" Reid admitted in a sad tone. "And after he called me to hear my voice…he had to know I knew he was choosing me and that I was just waiting for him to come back to me. And he didn't even trust me enough to come to me? How can I build a relationship with him knowing that he will fear my reactions, that he won't be able to tell me some things because he'll basically be afraid of me? That's not healthy Katie and that's not what I want."

Katie remained silent and thought about her roommate's words. Obviously she had been wrong. It's just…Reid was such a closed-off person that back then, it hadn't seemed that farfetched to imagine him keeping Luke at arms' length. She really should have known better. Reid Oliver wasn't quite Reid Oliver when Luke Snyder was concerned. She should have dissipated Luke's fears and doubts instead of fuelling them. She had really been stupid on this one, hadn't she? Yet, she knew that Reid was wrong too. It was never too late to fix things.

"Reid. I understand what you mean. I do. And yes, I suppose Luke and I should have known better, especially me. Luke may not look like it but he does have some self-esteem problems and he was in a relationship that tended to emphasize them and worsen them instead of making them better. He wanted to do things right with you, Reid. He left this journal, so you wouldn't feel pressured. He didn't want to back you in a corner and he didn't want you to answer him immediately without thinking about it first. And this journal? Reid that's the proof of how much Luke trusts you. He's giving you the book where he wrote his deepest feelings and inner thoughts. The book where he completely opened himself up. Giving you this book should have showed you how much Luke is willing to give you and to trust you with, and that's all of himself, without censure. That's what Luke choosing to give you this instead of talking to you should show you. And as for him being scared to talk to you if you were together, that's bull." Reid tried to say something but Katie cut him off "He's scared because you're not together Reid. If you were, it wouldn't be a problem. But you're not and he loves you and he doesn't know why in the world someone as great as you could want someone like him and…"

"What? What do you mean he doesn't know why I want him?"

"Self-esteem problems, remember? And besides, from what I understood, you made it quite clear you wanted him in the "I desire you" sense but you've never really said anything about wanting him in the "I love you, let's be boyfriends" sense. Implicitly, your actions showed it sure, but when you have esteem issues, you need the words. But you know, I don't need to tell you this. I'm sure everything you need to know about Luke and how he thinks is right here in this book. So please Reid, stop being stupid and read it. Because not reading it and breaking both Luke and your heart because of your own insecurities about who knows what, but most probably about Noah, well it's stupid."

Katie gave Reid the notebook and left him on his own to think. She knew what was going on. It wasn't so much as Reid thinking Luke didn't trust him as it was Reid's own fears and doubts manifesting themselves. Which was why it was so important for Reid to read that book. He needed to get rid of these fears, so he could then help Luke deal with his own.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Don't own ATWT or anything related to it.**

**AN:** Here's chapter 10. But I warn you, there isn't a lot of action. Remember the previous chapters with the notebook entries? Well that's basically it, 'cause that's what Reid is reading and he needs to know exactly how Luke feels about him. Italics are Luke's journal

**Chapter 10 **

Reid Oliver felt rather silly. He had overreacted to the whole thing. It's just…things with Luke had been so hard and complicated that…he kind of expected them to stay this way even when Luke came back. A part of him expected something to go wrong in some way. Reid knew he was pessimistic by nature, a character trait that had been quite useful in the past, but in this case it caused problems. He had accused Luke of not having enough faith in him but actually, he was guilty of not having enough faith in Luke too. They were both insecure idiots. He wasn't sure why Luke was insecure but Reid knew his own insecurity came from Noah and the eternal dance Luke kept doing between them. Katie was right. Even though the letter showed Luke had chosen him, a part of Reid doubted that things with Noah were truly over. 'Well, there's just one way to find out.' Reid thought picking up the book. He read for less than 5 minutes before closing it down and walking to the liquor cabinet. He was going to need a couple of drinks if the journal continued in that line of thought. As of yet, what he read was how much Luke used to be in love with Noah, how things were different now and how absolutely devastated Luke had been over it. It was obvious the younger man wished his relationship with Noah was what it had once been and it made Reid's heart clench in pain. What if he was just second best? Luke couldn't be with Noah, so he would go with Reid no matter what his feelings for Reid were? Doubts were running around his head. He finally understood why Luke chose not to talk to him; Reid found himself not wanting to discuss this with Luke either. Having Luke in front of him telling him about how horrible it was to think Noah and him were over….Reid had really thought Katie and Luke had been totally wrong to think that he would shut Luke out but now that he was reading the book…he wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe, he would have closed off on Luke. Maybe. Sitting down with glass of scotch in his hand, Reid started reading again until finally, he arrived to the days where Luke started reflecting on him.

_Day ?_

_I don't know what day it is. I stopped counting a while ago since I basically did nothing all day but cry and feel sad and think about Noah (with a bit of Reid here and there. I just…I kind of miss Reid you know?) Anyway, now it's much better.I feel much more at peace with Noah and my ending. We had a beautiful relationship but we can't kid ourselves. Things just hadn't been good in quite some time now. I sincerely believe that Noah and I were destined to be together._

Reid cringed at that last sentence. Déjà vu. How many times had he heard Luke say that Noah was the love of his life? He honestly couldn't recall them all and was actually quite happy about that fact. Remembering those instances was like stabbing himself repeatedly aka not a pleasant sensation. He took a sip of his drink and read on.

_We were destined to share a path for a while, to be on the same road. But only for a while. I truly believe our roads were meant to separate and bring us elsewhere to someone else. Who those people are, I don't know. I have a suspicion about my person but I'm not sure yet. I haven't really thought about it yet, but it's time that I do. I changed town. The previous one was really small and had this beautiful pond that reminded me of Snyder pond and all the moments I spent there with Noah. So I thought, if I reflected about Noah and I at a pond, I should analyse things with Reid somewhere that reminds me of him. I suppose I could have stopped in any sandwich restaurant I encountered, but instead I chose to find a city that had a hospital. Strangely, I arrived in a town that not only had a hospital, but also had a hotel that looks a lot like the one in Dallas. My room is on the same floor and has the same number as the one Reid had in Dallas. I just smiled as I wrote that and I think I blushed. I kind of do that a lot when I think about Reid. I'm being kind of sappy aren't I? Anyway, let's get things started. First let's take a look back at my list:_

_**What I want…**_

_to feel loved every time I'm with my boyfriend_

_to feel wanted_

_to feel butterflies_

_to smile because of my boyfriend_

_to feel really happy most of the time_

_to feel secure_

_a boyfriend as committed to us as me_

_to laugh again (although I do laugh with Reid…darn! I'm not supposed to think about Reid yet. Just myself)_

_a stable relationship (no more extreme highs and lows)_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_**What I need**_

_stability. I need someone who will be there_

_Someone I can count on no matter what_

_A serious relationship_

_To know what is what(no doubts)_

_To laugh, to flirt, to have FUN_

_… I need someone who helps me and let me help him back_

_… someone who not only accepts but likes how and what I am_

_…_

_…_

_Okay that's about me. Now about Reid…_

_**What I feel when I'm with Reid Oliver**_

_- Frustrated/Irritated/Annoyed : That man can drive me up a wall faster than anyone else I've ever met put together_

_- Amused: even when I want to strangle him, I'm strangely amused by him. Months ago, before I ever thought Reid liking me could be possible, pissing him off was kind of a game for me. It was nice to annoy him. It's still is. And I think Reid has fun annoying me too. It's kinda refreshing actually._

_- On my toes: He's never the same. I never quite know what to expect. He just has this way of surprising me, you know. Like when I first saw him with Jacob. It gave me a totally knew perspective of him. I'm always on my toes looking out for new things to learn about him._

_- Better than I think I can be: When I'm with Reid, I work harder than ever. I think it's because he's so frustratingly hard to please sometimes. I'm always looking for new things, new ideas, new ways of handling things, new anything really. He just…he motivates me. He makes me want to be better, to improve. I just feel this drive when I'm with him._

- _Happy: I laughed and smiled more with Reid than I did with everyone else for a year. I just…I'm happy. When we're not fighting anyway._

_- Awful: When we fight or he pushes me away, I feel so horrible. My heart hurts and I kinda want to cry. I just…I want him to be pleased with me. I don't remember the last time I wanted to please someone so badly. Added: I thought about it and the answer is, when I was chasing Noah to get him to date me._

_- Sexy/Desired/Wanted: I have never ever flirted as much in my whole life than I do with Reid in two weeks. That man makes me want to flirt and tease and I just never felt like that. I've never really considered myself the coy, playful type. But Reid just wakes up this thing in me. It's because when I'm with him, I feel hot and sexy. I never felt like that before. I never felt like I was sexy when I was with Noah. I never felt like I was passionately desired. Reid makes me feel like that. I really like it._

_- Confident: When I started working with Reid, I wasn't hesitant about anything. I wanted something: I told him. I never felt the need to restrain myself with Reid. It's very strange. Normally I'm less forward and I don't shake things up too much anymore. I didn't used to be like that and Reid makes me act like I used to be. I'm more confident when I'm around him and I'm not scared to tell him exactly what I think and neither is he and that's really nice 'cause it's different from Noah and I._

_- Insecure(kinda scared): When I'm with Reid I feel confident, but when I think of Reid and me together, I feel a little insecure. Not in the sense that I doubt he wants me or anything, it's just…he's older and I only had one boyfriend and that confidence I have with him and I have with other people thanks to him, I lose it when it's time to make a move on him. The bar is the perfect example. Why the hell didn't I stop him from Leaving? Why didn't I tell him I was there because I wanted to see him, not because of Noah not wanting me around? See? That's how I get with Reid. I get scared and I go on the defensive and I keep him at arms length at times because…because he…I want him to like me and care about me and be with me and I'm scared that I'll do something to mess things up and then he won't want me anymore. I always find a way to mess things up._

'Oh Luke' Reid thought. 'That's not true' Reid knew that he didn't know a lot about Luke's past and as such there were certainly certain things escaping him, but there was no way that Luke messed things up. At least, not anymore. He may not know past Luke, but he had a pretty good idea of who Luke was now and he wasn't that kind of person. He really hoped Luke also realised that.

_- Butterflies: My stomach is full of them when I think of Reid. Or when I see him. Or when he looks at me…Lord those looks. I should have put "hot" on my list in the sense of lit on fire. Seriously, I get all hot with Reid and as much as I hate to admit it, Reid makes me really, really giddy. Like I'm-jumping-on-my-bed-while-telling-my-sqeeling-girl-friends-about-my-super-secret-crush-at-my-11-years-old-birthday-slumber-party kind of giddy. It's embarrassing how much I feel like a schoolgirl when I'm with him._

_- Accepted: I never feel judge when I'm with Reid. He doesn't make me feel inadequate with his comments and he doesn't seem to have real serious problems with parts of my personality, like me wanting to take care of others._

_**What I like about Reid:**_

_- His honesty: even when he's brutally honest. At least I can know where I stand with him and I know I can trust him_

_- His sarcasm: Yes even directed at me, it amuses me and really, I think it's part of his charm._

_- His eyes: They drive me crazy. He can convey so much with his eyes. When he looks at me with want, I feel like I'm gonna melt right then and there. Seriously, sometimes I think that if we were to actually go from kissing to actually heavy make-out, I'd faint._

_- The way he makes me feel wanted and good about myself._

_- His no-nonsense personality: Things get done with Reid. He doesn't sit around and wait, he isn't passive. He doesn't play stupid games and makes me want to not play games ever again._

_- His maturity: Seriously, there's a huge difference between Reid and Noah/my friends/I. The way he acts and reacts, shows a real maturity that I haven't acquire yet._

_- His hair: I just want to run my hands through it really bad. Don't know why. I never actually felt like that before. There's just something about his hair…_

_- His smile: When he smiles, it makes me so happy. I like seeing Reid smiling and laughing and being happy._

_- His professionalism: Is it weird that I find Reid downright sexy when he's in doctor mode? Makes me want to see how far I have to go for him to shed his Dr. Oliver's mask and become Reid again. But seriously, I love the way Reid does is best at his job no matter what. His bedside manner is particular, but I like that he's different then others, plus his abrasiveness makes the moment I see him being nice that much more precious and special._

_Day ? second time_

_Making the list made me miss Reid even more. I'm feeling sad now. I want to see him. Or hear him at least. I almost miss being call . Ok who am I kidding? There's no almost about it. I miss him calling me Mr. Snyder. I went to eat downstairs. Guess what the hotel's restaurant speciality is? Sandwiches. I'm not kidding you. They actually freaking specialize in making different types of sandwiches, some of them really fancy. It's like the world hates me. Couldn't they serve something that reminds me of Noah? I don't miss him. Wow, that sounded kind of mean towards Noah, no? Alright, now. I don't miss him now. That's better. Anyway, I had the smallest sandwich they offer (some of them are huge. Reid would really like this place_Great yet another reason to wish Reid was here! )_

_Second Day ?_

_Missed Reid too much there. Was too sad. I went to the mall to shop. Didn't find much there but there was an arcade. I lost to an 8 year old girl at DDR. Not my proudest moment. I did beat her twelve year old brother though. Still….I'm on a bench close to the hospital now. Hey if I'm gonna miss Reid, might as well go all the way right?_

_I went to read back on my list of how Reid makes me feel and while I was reading the Desired part, I had this annoying voice in my head going "Yeah but are you needed? Are you wanted in a not-sexual way?" I tried to make it shut up but…On my list of what I want and need there's "I want to feel loved" Reid makes me feel that. When I'm with him I feel appreciated and loved too I guess. When I'm with Noah I don't. Yet, Noah does love me. I really don't think he's in love anymore, but he does care for me. Yet, I really haven't felt like he did for a while now. So what if I feel loved with Reid without Reid actually really loving me? I mean there's no doubt he wants me sexually. Sex would never ever be an issue with Reid. When he touches me I shiver and when he kisses me I have a freaking nuclear bomb exploding on my every cell.( I'm currently patting myself on the back for not using the cliché fireworks…even though it is accurate too.) So yeah, physically=no problems. With the way Reid kisses me, there's no doubt in my mind that I won't have to wait for two freaking years before finally getting to have sex with him like I had to with Noah._

Reid choked. Two years? Noah and Luke had waited two years before having sex! What in the world was wrong with Noah Mayer? Was he asexual or something? How could he have a boyfriend like Luke and not put him in his bed as soon as possible? I mean if Luke hadn't been ready than Reid would have understood. Although he wanted to have sex with Luke very much, he wouldn't pressure him into it. He was ready to wait until Luke felt ready to take that step in their relationship. But the way Luke wrote it, it sounded like Luke was ready to have sex, but Noah was putting a damper on things. So Reid reiterated: What in the world was wrong with Noah Mayer?

_But a relationship isn't just about sex. I want more than that in a relationship and I won't settle down for less. I've been neglecting what I want and what I need for too long to ever go back to compromising way too much. I just…I think Reid likes me a lot. I think he really wants a relationship. He's so insecure and jealous and awkward when I'm with Noah and that's just so unlike him that, yeah, I think he cares a lot to be this affected, but…I just feel kind of insecure I guess. I mean, I already don't get what Reid sees in me physically (I'm a pretty ordinary looking guy. There's not much to be particularly attracted to), getting what in the world he sees in me as a person and potential boyfriend is like really, really hard. I guess, I do make him laugh, right? So that could be something he sees. But even though that's something that could make him interested, it's not something that would help him build something with me._

_And what could he see in me that could make him think about dating me? He's like thirty something, he's absolutely gorgeous, he's brilliant, he's a successful neurosurgeon, he's mature, he probably has lots of experience in lots of things…I know what he could bring in my life, but what good could I possibly bring in his? I'm twenty-two, I can be quite immature, I'm emotional and tend to be annoyingly clingy, I'm an alcoholic college drop-out, I have a very intrusive family…I just…I don't see what Reid could be interested in and that means that he could become bored with me rapidly. I mean…I don't know. I don't think things with Reid could ever get boring: we challenge and grate on each other's nerves too much for that, but sometimes certain things wear you down in your relationship and then you don't see the other like before and then you can get bored and it's just I'm so scared that that'll happen. I'm so scared Reid will realized I'm not good enough for him and leave me and I'm just so in love with him that if he left me I don_

That entry stopped there. Reid was in shock. He never imagined Luke could feel like that. When he had met Luke, the kid had been so sure of himself and such a fighter…Sure Luke hadn't been his confident self recently, but he was confused about his feelings towards two different men, so that wasn't that unusual. No wonder Luke was reticent to come to Reid in person. Reid knew better than anyone how uncomfortable it was to show your insecurities in front of someone else. He often felt vulnerable when he was with Luke; however, he had never thought Luke felt vulnerable with him too. After all, Reid was vulnerable because he loved Luke but Luke…wait a minute…Love? Wait. What was is that Luke had written? _I'm just so in love with him_. In love. Luke was actually in love with him. It shouldn't really be so surprising. Reid had read all of the notebook up to this point and it was quite obvious with the way Luke was talking that Reid gave him what he needed and made him feel similarly to the first days with Noah, but Reid hadn't let himself completely make the connections. So seeing the words, made everything even more real. Reid couldn't stop a huge grin from appearing on his face. Luke loved him. Having the confirmation…it was such an amazing feeling. But he sobered up pretty quickly. There were still some issues to work out, such as dispelling the absurd notion Luke had about Reid deserving better than him. Plus, he hadn't finished reading the journal quite yet and Luke had asked him to read all of it.

_Third day ?_

_I needed to get out of here. I went for a walk in a forest near by. I just…I couldn't deal. I wrote…what I wrote yesterday…it was…I mean I knew. Retrospectively, I've known for quite some time now that I had fallen hard for Dr. Oliver. I never told anyone but, the truth is, I actually started having feelings for Reid way before Dallas. I just…he's kind of amazing you know. Irritating but he's also funny and all those other things and just…how could I not fall for him? But I had never actually admitted it aloud before. I had never even formulated the thought in my head. Yesterday, it just spilled unto the page without me even thinking about it and then when I realized what I had written, I admit I had a small panic attack. It was too much to handle. This last week and last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I guess I sort of broke down. Loving Reid…it's a very good thing. It makes me feel good and it makes me smile, but I am a little apprehensive about the future. I just…I'm scared. I'm scared of opening myself up and being really hurt again. Things with Noah were bad enough, but with Reid…I just know that if what happened to Noah and I were to happen to Reid and I, it would hurt more than it did with Noah. And that's a terrifying thought, because I haven't even started dating Reid yet, so can you imagine how badly I would get hurt after we'd been together for a while. I just…I don't know_

_Fourth day ?_

_Spent all of yesterday and today at the mall. Beat a couple of kids at DDR to cheer myself up. It didn't work. I couldn't take it anymore. I missed Reid too much. So I called Katie's home. I didn't want to speak to Reid per say, I mean we need to ash some things out between us and the phone is really not appropriate for that, so it would just get awkward, but Katie didn't want to go along with my plan of putting me on speaker so I could hear Reid's voice, so I ended up talking to him. Well actually, I ended up listening to him. It was…It was really nice. I never noticed how amazing Reid's voice is. That phone call made things a lot better. I feel more secure now. I think Reid is really looking forward to seeing me again and for now, that's enough. I always worry too much about the future. It's part of who I am, but I want to try to live for the present now._

The next entries were rather short and described what Luke did that day (for example, he went rock climbing with this good looking male instructor who kept flirting with the girls in the group even though Luke's gaydar had screamed as soon as soon as he had seen the guy. Poor closet case…), how he felt and how much he missed Reid. But at the end, there was something different. It wasn't an entry per say. It had been written the day Reid had received the journal.

_Dear Reid,_

_If you read this, then you've stucked around even though you've read me in my worst moments. You've read my fears, insecurities, my faults, my needs…I do not know where we'll go from here. I did my part. I reflected on what I wanted and needed and the answer came to be only two words: Reid Oliver. Sappy, but true. You're who I want and who I need. But even though you made the first move, I do not know if I am what you need. I don't know if you know the answer yourself. If you don't, figure it out and then come to me with your decision. Just know that I love you, want to be with you, and plan to be completely committed to you._

_With all my love_

_Luke_

_p.s. After giving this to Alli, I'm going to Noah's place to explain to him that we will not ever be back together. I do not know how it will go; therefore I do not know if I will find myself in a situation where I have to tell Noah about my feelings for you. I know you didn't want to tell him about us, but I may need to tell him. So please don't be angry at me for it; I'm really trying to do what is right for all of us. Please understand. Love you, Luke_

'Oh Luke' Reid mentally sighed. In a way, the younger man being so scared of displeasing him was cute, but it was something Reid had to dispel. Luke had to know that no matter how angry Reid would get at him (all couples fight after all), he will always love him as much as ever. Luke needed to feel free to act as he wished without fearing Reid's reaction. It was something very important to Reid. He will bring that point up when he goes see Luke tomorrow…well today really since it's the middle of the night. This time, when Reid Oliver went to bed, it was filled with hope and love for a younger man named Luke Snyder.

AN: Yeah! This chapter is finished. Sorry again for those who like things to move a little more, but I really felt Reid needed to see all of Luke's process. Next chapter will be Reid going to talk to Luke, but I haven't started writing it yet. Hopefully, I can write chapter 11 and a new chapter for "and nothing else" before going to work on Monday (it may not look like it but kids can really exhaust you. And then your mind is kinda too mushy to write)


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Chapter 11**

When Dr. Reid Oliver worked the day shift, he had pretty much the same routine. He woke up at the same time every day, took his shower, read the newspaper while eating kids' cereal (much to Katie's amusement when she first saw him eat them. Big bad Dr. Oliver eating colourful Lucky charms and looking for the surprise inside the box? Hilarious!) and then drink some much needed sweet coffee. When he got up, the sun was always up too, but its rays never directly came into his bedroom. It was too early for that. That's why, when Reid woke up that day and looked around his bedroom half-asleep, his brain wondered at the strangeness of having sun rays all over the place. His thought process didn't go any further however, so he fell back on his bed and proceeded to lie there and relax until he was fully awake. When that happened, Reid jumped up. Sun rays in his bedroom? Quickly, Reid looked at his alarm clock. It was almost 11 am! 'Oh my God' Reid thought with slight panic 'I'm late!' Reid quickly ran to his drawer and take out some clothes. He then ran out of his bedroom, pants on but shirt opened, jumping on one foot trying to put a sock on the other.

"Good morning Reid!" Katie said in a jovial tone.

"Good morning? Are you kidding me? Katie it's 11. I'm three hours late for my job!" Reid was upset. He had never been late for anything before and his job…if there's one thing you can't be late to it's your job…and your wedding, but that's irrelevant. "My stupid alarm clock didn't work. I'll have to buy a new one"

"Oh no it's fine. It's just unplugged" Reid stopped what he was doing and looked at Katie sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. How did she know it was unplugged? Then, Katie turned around to look at him and she smiled innocently at him. Oh no…

"Tell me you didn't Katie."

"Didn't what?" Katie asked in fake confusion.

"Katie Perreti Snyder, did you unplug my alarm clock?" Reid scolded.

"Absolutely" Katie said with a huge grin. "You know you sounded just like a dad right there. You'll be an awesome uncle to Jacob!"

Reid looked at her in disbelief. He tried to reply something but he just couldn't. He couldn't believe what his roommate had done. What in the world had she been thinking?

"Nice impersonation of a fish there, Reid." Katie laughed.

"Katie, it isn't funny. My job…"

"Will have to wait until tomorrow."

"Do you know how much trouble I'm in?"

"None. You don't seriously think I let you sleep after your difficult night without calling the hospital and telling them that you're currently speaking to the toilet and have been for the entire night? You're fine. As far as Bob Hughes is concerned, his best surgeon caught a bad case of stomach flu and totally agrees with me on the fact that I must make you stay home and relax at any cost, even strapping you to a chair with a bucket on your knees."

"oh. Ok." Reid sat down next to Katie. It wasn't a bad thing after all. He was tired from last night.

"Sooooooo" sang Katie

"So?"

"So did you read it? Did it answer your questions and doubts? Did it…?"

"Yes, I read it." Reid interrupted her. "And actually I had planned of talking to you about it when I got back home" Katie looked at him in surprise.

"Really? Well, what did you want to talk about? You do know that Luke loves you right?" Reid couldn't stop himself from smiling. Luke loved him. It did funny things to his stomach.

"Yeah, I do know that, now. The problem is Luke isn't sure I love him back or rather, he isn't sure he deserves me to love him back" Katie looked at Reid with a sad face. She had been worried about that too after Luke's visit.

"You don't seem too surprised by that, Katie?"

"No, not really. I wouldn't have imagined it before Luke left, but once he came back…when we talked he seemed so unsure about himself. He even said he was just an alcoholic teenage drop-out. It's really sad because he's so much more than that."

"I know. What I don't know is what happened to make him feel that way. I didn't even know he had gone to college in the first place. I did guess he had problems with alcohol considering he never drinks but that doesn't define him."

" No, it really doesn't. I think…maybe Luke is worried that once you know his past and what's in it, it would change how you see him."

"Then tell me. Tell me what's in Luke's past so I can go to him and show him that I love him just the way he is and that I accept his past because he wouldn't be the man I fell for if his past had been different"

"I don't know everything, but I'll try. First, I think you should know of Lily's and Damian's reaction to Luke's coming out. I think some of his insecurities about not being accepted exactly as he is started there." And so Katie went on about what she knew of Luke's past and how she think it might affected him. Reid listened to her attentively, mostly in shock at what the younger man had had to endure in the last few years. Reid's nickname of Oakhell did this town more justice than its actual name. Not for the first time, Reid wondered what in the world was wrong with this town. Someone should really check the water. Thank God Reid only drank from water bottles. Someone had to be sane around here.

Luke Snyder was stressed. Ok, no, Luke Snyder was a nervous wreck. After his talk with his ex-boyfriend Noah Mayer, he had been completely drained and had gone home pretty much looking like a zombie. His mother of course had jumped on him as soon as she had seen him, squeezed him for dear life as she wet his shirt with her tears and told him how worried she had been, how awful it was for her when she didn't receive any news from her son until a couple of days ago and even then it had been from Katie Snyder instead of from her precious little boy. Luke had suffered through his mother's outburst and following lecture reluctantly. He really just wanted to tell his mother to shut up and let him go wallow in his bed, but there are just some things you can't say to your mom. Especially when your mom's name is Lily Walsh: she'll just continue to nag you to death anyway. So yeah, Luke had been pretty exhausted and had called it a night early. Unfortunately, while sleep came easily, it didn't stay with ease. Luke found himself wide awake in the middle of the night, anxiety gripping him tightly. What if Reid hadn't found the book? What if someone had found it and thrown it away? Oh my god. What if someone else had found it and read it! Luke couldn't help fidgeting. He really wanted to call Allison and ask her if Reid had found the notebook but it was three am and he didn't think his friend would like being woken up at that time of night. So instead, Luke searched for distractions. He cleaned his room, the living room and the dishes, but it wasn't enough. He tried to write something down but he was too stressed and worried to feel creative. There were just so many things that could go wrong. What if Reid had read the book and decided that Luke wasn't what he wanted? It was a possibility and just thinking about it was breaking Luke's heart. He needed to know one way or the other. He really was impatient about this, but then again, Reid and he had been going round in circles for months now. It was high time for a resolution to this whole mess. So Luke waited, and waited and waited. The stupid numbers on his alarm clock were moving slower than a turtle. It was as if an eternity was passing by. By the time noon came, Luke was crawling out of his skin and ready to explode. He couldn't take it anymore. He knew Reid wouldn't leave work until at least 5pm, but he needed to do something, talk to someone or whatever. Katie's home was the best solution. Suddenly, Luke was startled from his thoughts by the doorbell. 'Oh god no! Not visit. I don't think I can entertain someone and smile right now' Luke thought. He got up from the couch slowly and made his way to the door. When Luke opened it, his jaw dropped in bewilderment.

Reid Oliver was nervous. He just wasn't good with emotional stuff…or with talking. Basically, he wasn't really good at interacting with others like a normal human being. Sure, he had talked to Katie about what he planned on saying to Luke, but telling Katie and telling Luke were two completely different things. He was out of his comfort zone here, but it needed to be done. Still, he couldn't help being a little nervous. The sight that greeted Reid after ringing the doorbell was of a seemingly tired Luke making an incredibly good imitation of a fish with his widened eyes and his opened mouth.

"Hey" Reid said. Luke stared at him silently, jaw still dropped. "May I come in?" Reid asked hesitantly.

"Ah..euh..I…"

"Very eloquent Mr. Snyder. No wonder you wanted to be writer when you were younger; you're very talented with words" Reid flinched after saying it. Sarcastic humour was his natural reaction when confronted with awkwardness, but it was often not appreciated by the other people concerned. Luke however, didn't take any offence at the words. Instead, they seemed to wake him up from his stupor.

"Sure, Sure come in!" Luke said, happiness, surprise and some nervousness dripping from his voice. "I didn't expect to see you so soon. Not that I'm not happy to see you now" he added quickly "but I thought you would be working at the hospital today" Luke looked down at his feet and put his hands in his pockets. Right now, he looked young and incredibly shy. Reid had to admit that he found it quite cute actually.

"I was" Reid said

"Soooooo, this is your lunch break?" Luke wondered. It didn't leave them with a lot of time to discuss. Luke started fidgeting a little.

"Nope" Luke looked at Reid in confusion. "Katie has decided that I needed a day off; therefore, she unplugged my alarm clock and called in sick for me" Luke burst out laughing. Yeah that sounded like Katie alright. "It's not funny! Having someone interfere in your life so much is not pleasant"

" Pfft. You only say that because you don't have to live with my mother. Now she can give interfering a whole new meaning. Then again, she's Lucinda Walsh's daughter and no one is as good at getting in other people's business as my grandmother is." Luke said looking at Reid for once. But soon enough his eyes dropped again. Alright, it was cute, but this wouldn't work with Luke talking to the ground.

"Luke look at me" Luke lifted his eyes and bit his lower lip. "There's no reason to be like this. I was nervous too when I came here."

"Yeah?" Luke asked timidly

"Yeah. Now why don't we sit? I think we have a few things to talk about don't you?" Reid said pleasantly. He made sure to use a soft and calm voice. Katie had told him that to be careful; Luke was just as able to put up defences as Reid was. He couldn't risk the younger man bolting out of there.

"Alright so…what did you want to talk about?" Luke asked. Reid gave him a look and Luke's blushed. He was being silly. They both knew why Reid was here but for some reason Luke had this huge ball of apprehension in his stomach and it made him say stupid things.

"Sorry. I guess that you've read my notebook then?"

"I did…eventually" Luke frowned at Reid's answer. What did that mean?

"You're not the only one who had doubts and fears Luke. When I read your letter, I…I did exactly what Katie and you thought I would do if you talked to me; I put my shields up and protected myself. I misinterpreted your leaving the notebook instead of talking to me and decided not to read it. However, we've already establish that I live with a woman who cannot mind her own business so when she got home, I had a very rude awakening. Literally. I was sleeping and she pulled me out of bed and onto the floor. I think I still have bruises" That made Luke smile a little, just like Reid thought it would. 'Well that's one step in the right direction' Reid thought. "She made me realise I was being stupid and scared and I ended up reading your notebook."

"And the verdict?" Luke asked, retaining his breath. This was it. This was the moment where he would know whether he had a chance with Reid or not.

Reid took Luke's face in one of his hand and made the younger man looked him in the eyes. "What do you think Luke?" Reid said affectionately. His eyes were unguarded and they showed all the love and care he felt for his companion. Luke however, was having a hard time believing what he was seeing. How could that wonderful man love someone like him so much?

"Don't! Don't you dare Luke Snyder." Reid said in a strong voice that let no arguments possible. "Don't you dare doubt yourself, your worth or my love." Luke stared at Reid in shock. Reid had said love. 'Could he…could he really love me like I love him?' Luke wondered internally. Could he finally get the chance to feel as loved as he loved?

"I love you Luke. Not for what I think you could be, but for what you truly are and I'm not under any delusions. I know you're a brat. I know you can grate on my nerves like no one else. I know you're passionate to the extreme. I know that you have a pathological need to care for everyone and to please other people. I know that may caused problems sometimes because I'm personally a great fan of displeasing as many people as possible, which will probably exasperate you more than once at a social event you will have used your Walsh's manipulative ways to get me to go to. I know you've had a difficult past and may still have some issues about it and I know that I'll have to endure awful movie nights or even worst double dates with Noah Mayer, but I don't care. These things are a part of you. They're part of who you are today and I'm in love with that person Luke. You make me happy. You make me feel things I've never felt before. And yes, I admit that at first I disliked it. You shook my world Luke Snyder and I know my life will never be the same; but I don't want it to be." Reid took one of Luke's hands in his "I want to love you, to hold you, to fight with you and make up…I want you to be mine as much as I'm yours. So no more nonsense about not being worthy of me. When you say you're not good enough, you're talking about the man I love and I won't stand for that kind of talk about my boyfriend." Luke looked in Reid's eyes and saw how sincere the doctor was being. He also saw how incredibly hard it was for Reid to say all those things. He started feeling dizzy. My god the love in Reid's eyes…it was so intense. Luke had never felt so cherished before. It brought tears of happiness in his eyes.

"So now can I stop talking like a freaking Hallmark commercial or do you still need some reassurance? Because I don't know how long I can handle this level of sappiness. It's just not me" Luke laughed. That was such a Reid thing to say.

"Oh I don't know Reid. Somehow I have a feeling you'll be quite sappy where I'm concerned" Luke smile lit his face like 1000 watts. He felt so happy. Reid loved him back and wanted to be with him. He didn't think he'd ever be able to stop smiling again.

"Yeah" Reid sighed. "You're probably right. Do you realise how bad you are for my image?" Luke laughed again.

"Don't worry Reid. I won't be telling anyone you're just a big fluffy teddy bear underneath it all."

"I resent that. I am not a teddy bear in any way shape or form."

" You cuddle Jacob and sing him Justin Timberlake's songs" Luke teased him. Oooohhh, Reid was going to kill Katie.

"So, now that you're my boyfriend, do I get a kiss Dr. Oliver" Reid pretended to think about it. Luke simply rolled his eyes at him. Yeah life would never get dull with Reid.

"I don't know Mr. Snyder. Isn't it your turn to kiss me?" Reid teased. Luke rolled his eyes again and leaned towards the other man. He stopped just above Reid's lips and stayed there, daring the older man to make a move before he does. Reid didn't intend to yield. Luke would give up patience and kiss him before he did. However, it seemed like the younger man was quite determined and Reid just couldn't take it anymore. 'Screw it. I'll lick my wounded pride later. Why do I get the feeling this is one of many lost against Luke?' Reid thought while he captured the other man's lips softly. He put his hand in Luke's hair and bit his lip. Luke gasped and Reid didn't wait a second to plunder the man's mouth with his tongue.

'Oh Lord that man can kiss' Luke thought. Sure he had kissed Reid before, but not like this. He had never kissed like this in his entire life. It was slow and discovering, but there was nothing tentative about it. And it was filled with so many emotions: love, care, desire, happiness, smugness…Luke's senses were having an overload. His brain didn't know how to analyse everything his body was feeling. Pure fire was flowing through his veins, and Luke felt himself harden. He pushed Reid away to breathe. Wow. That was intense. Luke started laughing. There wasn't anything funny, but he had felt so many emotions all at once that he just couldn't help himself. And of course Reid followed suit as he watched Luke laughing his butt off. Luke grabbed Reid's face and kissed him sweetly.

"So Doctor Oliver, how about I make you a sandwich uh?"

"Food?" Reid said eagerly. He looked like a kid on Christmas day.

"Yeah" Luke chuckled. "Food. Come on. I'll show what we have."

"No need to tell me twice"

Luke and Reid spent the rest of the day together. They talked some more about how they felt and what they wanted from the relationship. Basically, they wanted and expected similar things. Well, Reid actually had no expectations. Like he had explained to Luke, it was already a miracle that he had truly fallen in love; he didn't expect much more than that. He was content with Luke loving him and being with him. He believed everything else would fall into place eventually. They had plenty of time to get to know each other better. Luke had brought up his conversation with Noah and for the first time, Reid hadn't had any reaction to hearing the other man's name coming from Luke's mouth. It warmed Luke's heart. It meant that Reid was finally sure of how Luke felt and didn't feel insecure where Noah was concerned. Luke was happy that Reid seemed so accepting of his love for Noah and of his wish to be his friend again once Noah was ready. Although, he had grumbled when Luke had said Reid himself could become good friends with Noah. The older man wasn't enthusiastic about the prospect, but then again, this was Reid Oliver. He wasn't much of a social being. Reid was also fine with Luke telling Noah about them. It turns out that while Luke was gone, Noah had regained his sight completely and therefore didn't really need Reid at his point anymore. Luke was surprised. No one had told him about Noah's sight and he was in awe at how quickly it had come back at 100%. Reid's answer had been "What did you expect? I'm a genius" Typical.

Beside talking, they also ate (mostly Reid), watched some TV, played chess (Reid had totally wiped out Luke. It turns out Reid was a chess prodigy. Who knew?) and they kissed some more. Things got quite heated up between them once or twice; going as far as them getting rid of their shirts and grinding against each other, but one of them always stopped things from getting further. They knew they were in love and they were officially dating now, but they didn't want to completely rush things. They agreed to wait at least 2 weeks before jumping in bed with each other. Although both of them internally thought they weren't going to wait a second more than 14 days. Why wait when you've basically been courting each other for months? And then Reid had stayed for dinner too, because Lily had come home, seen her smiling son cuddling with the older doctor and had categorically insisted that he stayed for dinner so the family could get to know him better. Luke had sent an apologizing smile at Reid's clearly uncomfortable look. They both had hoped that meeting the family would have come later, but you didn't argue with Luke's mom when she was in that mood. You just didn't. And Luke wanted his mom to have a good impression of Reid as his boyfriend so they both sat through dinner with a fake smile plastered on their faces. Well Luke was smiling; Reid looked more like he was grimacing. But it was an okay dinner and the two lovers appreciated that Lily had left them alone afterwards, giving them the privacy they needed. When Luke and Reid fell asleep that night, in their own beds, they went to sleep with a smile on their faces, feeling happier than they had in a very long time. Although Reid didn't get to stay in that wonderful bliss very long since Katie came home and jumped on his bed excitedly, badgering him with a thousand questions about how it went with Luke. 'Argh…I need to find a new place with a new roommate' Reid thought. 'Uh…I wonder what Luke's thoughts are about us moving in together.'

AN: Okay so this is chapter 11! Hope you liked. I have some ideas about what could be in chapter 12, I thought of going further in time, but I'm wondering if maybe this should be the last chapter? I think it needs at least one more chapter, but if you have a different opinion feel free to tell me. Prior to this, I had only written one-shots and I clearly know when my one-shot is finished, but with a longer story, I found there's more place for doubts. Anyway hope you enjoyed it!


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:**Seriously? I need to say I don't own anything? Well let's see…I write LuRe fics, and Reid Oliver is dead in the show….yeah DUH I don't own it! I'm actually able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself Ì did not do the stupidest, most frustrating and disrespectful towards fans, thing in this century!

AN: HELLO! I'm back! Chap 12 is here! After over two months *cries of frustration and relief* So yeah, I'll try really hard to update one fic per week at least. Or well at least every two weeks. I have 3 ongoing fics though (two Lure, one Kyo/Kao) so we'll see how it'll go. I'm really hopeful though. I have been so depressed since Reid died, I kinda pushed away from the Lure fandom to recuperate enough to be able to read and/or write Lure without sobbing ('cause you know crying gives you headaches and I hate those) but I'm better now (aka I've entered the absolutely enraged, bitter state) Anyway, **thanks to all who follow my stories and thanks for your patience with my writers block problems! All your reviews have been rays of sunshine all summer long!**

**Chapter 12**

Luke Snyder was happy. Deliriously so. Things in his life had finally settled down and had stopped being one gigantic mess. He finally knew what or rather whom he wanted and it just felt great. The night before had been wonderful. Reid and he had finally had their first official public date, after over a week of trying to get together and being unable to do so because of work. Never let it be said that dating a neurosurgeon was easy. Luke couldn't believe that after only a week of being officially together, he would already want to destroy Reid's darn pager! Of course, Reid had expressed familiar sentiment. Apparently, things weren't usually that hectic, even for a brilliant and terribly in demand neurosurgeon as Reid. It was just their luck that their first week together had to be a hospital nightmare. But last night, Reid hadn't been called and they were able to go out. Well, 'hadn't been called' were big words. Reid **was** paged, only it was after the date….when they were making out on Reid's bed about to…well about to what exactly Luke wasn't sure.

A week ago, when Reid and he had gotten together, they had decided not to jump in bed immediately for whatever reason. Luke couldn't really remember. Well, no actually that wasn't true. He did remember why he hadn't wanted to hop in bed with Reid that same night, he just couldn't remember what the reason he had given Reid was. You see, when the subject of sex was approached, Luke panicked. It seemed really stupid but in all the time he had reflected about his feelings for Reid, he hadn't really questioned himself about sex. Desiring Reid wasn't up for questioning; it was an obvious fact. However, having sex with Reid…Luke really, really wanted to. REALLY. But when Reid started talking about it all he could think was 'How do I do that?' He felt like it was his first time all over again….but with even more pressure because unlike Noah on that first time, Reid actually had experience….and probably loads of it too. And that made Luke really, really nervous. What if Reid thought he was boring or something? Of course later on Luke had wanted to bang his head on the wall at his stupidity; he should have just told Reid the truth. But he hadn't and it sucked because he really wanted to have sex with Reid and the only way to do that, outside of Reid not getting paged, was to tell Reid the truth about their first night as boyfriends. And the truth was he had wanted to take Reid up to his bedroom that night and show him exactly how much he loved and wanted him, but he was chickenshit and had told some excuse (he couldn't remember what) and told Reid he wanted to wait a little. He thought it might have been something about being proper or how bad it would look to others or something of the like. Really, he had no clue. Which was bad. He had been dating Reid only for a couple of hours when he told him his first lie. That was so ridiculous. Reid would have understood….but at the moment…yeah panic attack. The fear of being inadequate or boring or simply awful in bed had just taken over and he had reacted without thinking. But he was going to change that as soon as Reid was back from the hospital.

"Hey" when you talk about the wolf….

"Hey" Luke answered smiling at his boyfriend entering Katie's home. "How was surgery?"

"Easy but boring, which is more exhausting than a really difficult one. Sorry for the interruption by the way…not that we would have gotten further than that but…"

"Yeah about that" Luke started.

"Let me guess." Reid interrupted, sitting himself on the couch next to Luke. "You need more time and don't know how to ask me? It's fine Luke. We can take our time"

"Well, actually Dr. Oliver, I don't want us to take our time. Because we already have. I've wanted to sleep with you for months and I'm not doing any more waiting around for it. I want you naked on your bed or mine or any other available surface as soon as possible" Reid's eyes widened at his partner's speech. It was so assertive…and different from the last time (only time) they had talked about sex. "I've wanted to talk about it for days but with the foundation and everyone suddenly needing surgery, I barely glimpse at you in the last week, and when I finally did…well I was having a lot of fun on our dinner and I figured it could wait until we go back to your place but…"

"But instead you jumped on me as soon as we arrived, we ended up in my bed I don't know how and then my pager went off and I had to leave for work"

"Yup!"

"Can I know why the sudden change in speech? You've been wanting to tell me for days that you don't want to wait for sex, yet it was days ago that you told me the opposite"

"Oh yeah, about that" Luke said shyly, looking at his shoes. Reid raised an eyebrow, looking expectedly at him. "you see…I…well I panicked."

"You panicked." Reid repeated slowly. "The idea of having sex with me made you panic." Reid wasn't sure if he should felt insulted at that or not.

"No! Well yeah but no."

"Yes or no Luke" Reid asked, trying to understand what Luke was saying but being too confused to do so.

"No." Luke said more firmly this time. "The idea of having sex with you didn't make me panic. The idea of sex with you only brings very, very nice things" Reid smirked at that and Luke rolled his eyes at him. "It's not knowing what to do or how to do it and fearing not being good enough since I have no clue as to how to have sex… well no I know how to have sex… with Noah." Luke babbled frantically, looking like he was on a coffee high. "but he wasn't experience either and we waited two years…well he wanted to wait two years and anyway, my point is…I…I have very little experience with sex. Noah took two years to be ready and after that, well it didn't happen that often. We were just starting to have sex, it was new so we didn't do it often and then shit happened because…well….it was Noah and I. Shit always happened. So…yeah, I really don't know much and you're older and had I don't know how many partners so I…I panicked."

Reid looked at his boyfriend patiently while the other man was babbling. And damn he owed Katie 20 bucks. He should have known better than to bet with Katie Perreti Snyder about the matters of the heart.

"Reid?" Luke asked in a small voice. Was the older man angry at him?

'Damn.' Reid thought 'Luke took my being lost in thought as something else.'

"Sorry, I was just thinking about how I owed Katie a 20 now" 'Uh huh. I don't think I was supposed to say that. I really should learn to be less blunt.' Reid thought.

"What?" Luke asked.

"Luke' Reid sighed. "I'm not angry or disappointed or anything. Actually, I'm extremely relieved and ecstatic." Reid continued smiling.

"Ooookkkayyy" Luke said confused.

"I don't want to wait either Luke." Reid confessed "But you asked me to, and I promised myself I would never push you to do anything you didn't want to do…unless it was a question of life/death, which this isn't. I was ready to wait for you, but that doesn't mean I didn't groan out in frustration the morning after, once the wonderful bliss of the night before had faded a tiny bit and my roommate started her questioning session where she had left it the night before which just happened to be at our sex life. And of course Katie saw right through me and made me admit how badly I wanted you, but how you weren't ready yet. Which ended up with her calling me a clueless idiot and having her explained to me what you've just said and then betting me 20 bucks that she had put her finger right on the problem. Which means that I lost 20 bucks to her and I've never been so grateful for loosing a bet in my life! "

"You're grateful?"

"Yeah, because you want me. You're just nervous and that's normal."

"You're not nervous though" Luke stated

"Well no" Reid admitted matter-of-factly. Luke looked down. Of course, he's the only one silly enough to be nervous about sex. "But" Reid took Luke's chin in his hand and made him look at him "I have an ego the size of Canada. So of course I'm not nervous about the quality of my performance. The only things I did for years were surgery and sex. I'm good at those. But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous at all. Because while I am experienced at sex, I'm experienced at meaningless sex. Relationship sex…well I'm new to the world of serious relationships. So yeah, I get nervous and yes I panic too. "

"you do?" Luke asked. He had trouble imagining Reid panicking about anything.

"Yeah. Just ask Katie!" Reid thought about what he had just said and suddenly his eyes widened as he had a flashforward as to what this type of discussion between his roommate and his boyfriend could imply. "Yeah, actually, no don't ask Katie. Just trust me on this. When you gave me your notebook/journal, I …well Katie had to jump at my throat to make me read it, because I was too scared of what was inside."

"Ok. Well that's reassuring" Luke said his body suddenly relaxing. Reid had always seemed so confident that it made Luke's insecurities seemed ridiculous. But if even Reid could get nervous or uncertain….then things would be okay.

"Good. So Luke…how do you really feel about us having sex?" Reid asked for the second time this week.

"I'm nervous but I really, really want to share this with you. No waiting"

Yeah?" Reid asked smiling.

"Yeah" Luke answered back. Reid took Luke's hand and pulled him up. He had planned on pulling Luke to his bedroom, but it seemed his boyfriend (man, it was still weird using that word) had other ideas. As soon as he was standing up, Luke captured the older man's lips in a passionate lip-lock. For someone who felt so inexperience, Luke Snyder sure knew how to kiss. Soon, Reid felt Luke's hands tugged at his shirt, trying to take it off his pants. The kissing grew erratic; each partner trying to undress the other in record time. Both much too busy on their task and lustful to think about Katie's reaction were she to enter her house and find their clothes lying everywhere. They had waited much, much too long for this.

/

Luke was panting. He felt like he'd just run a marathon. Every atom of his body was screaming as the last bits of pleasure ran through him. This was….there was no way to describe what it was. He had had sex before….or at least he thought he did. Because if what Reid and he had just done was sex, then there was definitely something Noah and he hadn't quite understood. This was nothing like Luke had ever experience. It was…it was even beyond what he had imagined and fantasize about before his first time. Everyone knew that their expectations for sex when they're virgins are much too high for what sex truly is. Or at least, Luke had always thought so. He hadn't expected that much in terms of physical pleasure for his first time and even that had ended up being too much expectation. Yet, here he was, panting and feeling like every nerve of his body had just discovered pure ecstasy. This was more than he had ever hoped for and not only in the physical experience sense either; he had felt so connected to Reid, like they were one. He had never really understood why so many authors would describe love making as being this wonderful intimate and emotional experience that linked two beings profoundly and making them one. He had always thought that it was an exaggeration used to sell more books to delusional and infatuated teenage girls. Yet, just now, he had experience such a thing. Luke turned over in his boyfriend's arms, facing him and cuddled more tightly into the older one. He needed to feel him close. Noah had never been one for cuddling after sex, which was strange since he had no problem with cuddling as they watched a movie or on other occasions. Reid however seemed to be the opposite; he didn't cuddle in every day life but he cuddled after sex. Having lived the two situations, Luke had to admit he much preferred Reid's. Not cuddling after sex just felt wrong. It was a little bit like being rejected. Luke hadn't liked it at all but….well no need to think about that now. His current boyfriend seemed to have no problems with Luke snuggling into him at the moment.

"So, my little insecure boyfriend, was it really so terrifying after all" Reid teased him. Luke's eyes widened and his cheeks turned red. Had Reid really called him is boyfriend?

"What?" Reid asked, confused at Luke's astonished gaze. Luke gave him a huge smile in response. "What?" Reid repeated.

"Nothing" Luke said, still grinning like crazy. "It's just I never thought you'd be the one to first call the other his boyfriend that's all. It just…didn't seem your style. But you're just full of surprises aren't you?"

"Oh crap…post-sex blabber mouth. I had forgotten about that one" Reid said more to himself than anything else. Luke raised an eyebrow. " Oh double crap, I shouldn't have said that out loud, shouldn't I?"

"I don't know. It's actually nice to know that I can use sex as a method to make you talk. This way I won't have to resort to bothering Katie so she can pester you about things until you crack and tell me" Luke answered. Reid groaned. He knew, he just knew that Luke and Katie shared too much in common for his own good. And yet….he wouldn't change either of them for the world.

"You know, one day, Jacob is going to grow up and learn to talk and that day, it will finally not be two against one anymore because I'll make sure that kid is on my side! Just wait until his teen years. Jacob and I will make you guys' life a living hell!"

"Reid Oliver you will do no such thing!" came a feminine voice from Reid's bedroom doorframe. "You will not turn my kid against me, mister"

"Katie!" Both men screamed, Luke pulling the sheets higher on their body and trying to bury himself underneath them. Reid as for him wasn't embarrassed. It wasn't like she hadn't seen him shirtless before after all.

"Katie, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed that our bedroom was off limits to the other roommate" Reid said

"Yeah, I know, but you forgot your clothes in the living room….and the hallway…and weirdly enough also in the kitchen…which is disturbing by the way. I'm already traumatized enough by your sandwiches, if I have this kind of mental imagery when I go to eat too, I'll starve to death. We've got to establish some ground rules around here. Here" Katie said walking up to them and putting a pile of folded clothes on Reid's bedside table. "Next time, try to keep it to the bedroom…no wait, let me rephrase that. Keep it to the bedroom. I don't care if you make out on the couch but nothing heavier than that. And if this happens again, try to pick up the clothes before I arrive. If you have the right to go hysterical and throw a fit whenever I leave my bras to dry where you can see them, then I certainly have a right to ask you this."

"You throw a fit over bras? Seriously?" Luke asked, trying to refrain his laughter. Reid glared at him.

"Oh yeah, it's to believe he had never seen one before in his life" Katie exclaimed

"As a matter of fact I hadn't" Reid said.

"Really?" Katie and Luke asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Why would I have seen one before? I have no interest in women's clothes nor in the jiggly things that go in them." Luke laughed. Katie just shook her head and left the room muttering about weird roommates. But just before she exit, she turned around and with a teasing smile said "Oh and Luke. By the way, cute boxers!" Luke felt himself flushed once again and tried to hide beneath the blankets again. Reid just shouted "Katie!" as his roommate left his room, laughing. Yeah, he really needed to ask Luke what he thought about them moving in together.

/

An: Okay so this is it! There will be more, this story isn't finished yet. But I don't know exactly when I will update. From now on, I will try really hard to update one of my stories every week. This week it's Le choix du Coeur (and maybe And nothing else too!), so stay tuned. I really, really hope I won't get month long writers block again… I should be fine. I'll try to update as much as I can before midterms arrive in October! Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer**: If I owned ATWT, Reid would be alive! And I'll skip any other comment otherwise I'll get negative reviews saying not to bash thouroughly and very cruelly a certain head author who makes absolutely no sense when questioned, by the way, and who should be too ashamed to look at herself in the mirror, let alone speak in interviews.

**AN: Here is your weekly chapter! **A couple of days late, admitedly. I'm sorry but school got in the way. Still it's not so bad compared to the months long writer's block I had in the past!

**Chapter 13: **

Reid Oliver was laughing. His boyfriend was such a prude. He'd been trying to make Luke come out of the bedroom with him for the last 15 minutes with no success. The younger man was still hiding beneath the covers and was simply refusing to come out as long as Katie was still in the apartment. Reid felt like he was dating a teenage girl who had just been caught by her parents while doing the dirty.

"Come on Luke, get out. I'm hungry. I want a sandwich."

"Then go make yourself one. I'm not getting out." Luke's muffled voice told him.

"You're making a big deal over nothing. So Katie saw your underwear. At least she didn't see you retrieving said underwear butt naked like she could have. Instead, she was nice enough to pick up our clothes and give them to us. Beside, you're talking about a married woman and a mother. Trust me you don't have anything she hasn't seen plenty of times" Reid said matter-of-factly. Luke's head peaked out of the blankets.

"Reid, she saw our clothes all over the house. She knows what we've been doing here!"

"And that's bad how?" Reid asked. Seriously, he got that it was embarrassing. He didn't like the situation that much either but Luke was really blowing this out of proportion.

"Well it just is!"

"Come on Luke, surely it can't be more embarrassing then being caught by your parents!"

"Oh my god. You're right. That means we can't do it at my home. But then if we do it here, Katie will know…"

"Woah…you mean you've actually been able to not get caught by your parents? You're meddling, super present parents with tons of relatives that keep popping out for a surprise visit?"

"Well…" Luke started, thinking about it "It's not like Noah and I had sex often….we barely did actually. And Noah was against making out if someone else was in the house"

"Well I don't have that problem, not really. Although I would prefer doing it when we're alone in the house. It's never good to give Katie too much teasing material; she can use it as leverage or blackmail."

"I don't feel comfortable with the idea of Katie knowing what we're up to." Reid bit his lip. Should he aboard the subject or not. Their relationship was really recent after all. And Reid didn't know how Katie would react if he left. It just…she was a strong woman but she was a grieving one and sometimes she really needed a shoulder to cry on and Reid didn't mind it. He liked being able to comfort her when she needed it.

"What?" Luke asked, sensing Reid was pondering something.

"Well…it's just…I've been thinking…well not really thinking, it's more like it slipped into my mind once or twice." Luke looked at him with expectancy. "Alright" Reid finally said gathering his courage. "I might have had a thought like 'Luke and I need to get our own place' cross my mind once or twice" Luke's eyes widened. He was positively flabbergasted. Of all things Reid could say….that was definitively one he hadn't expected. Reid hadn't made it a secret that he didn't do relationships. To have him as committed to Luke as he already was, was already asking the older man to leave his comfort zone far behind him. Therefore, Luke had never thought that Reid would be the one to first ask for their relationship to move to the next level. Luke thought he would probably have to bring the idea up and let Reid get use to it before the older man would be ready to commit even more. Yet, here was his one-week-long-slightly-commitment-phobic boyfriend basically asking Luke to get a place with him.

"Well…" Reid said looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"uh…" Luke shook himself out of his stupor. "Well it's unexpected. I thought you wouldn't be ready for that for a while. I mean we've only been together for a week."

"I'm not saying we need to move in together tomorrow." Reid clarified. "For one, I'd have to talk to Katie first. She has been gracious enough to give me a home to stay; I need to discuss my potential leaving with her and help her organize herself. The rent I give her helps her financially, so I'd have to find her a new roommate before leaving. Plus, well….to be honest…when I thought of moving in with you, I was thinking mostly about our privacy. I'm way too old to do the whole 'parents might walk in any minute' thing. I mean sure there's a thrill in that, but generally I just want my own privacy. And I think you want the same thing."

"I do. Definitely. Lord knows my family can be smothering and there's always someone at our place but….I mean you haven't even met my parents yet. Can you imagine their reactions if I told them I was moving in with you? Someone who's basically a complete stranger to them? They'd freak! Well, not Grandma Lucinda, but she never freaks so…still. They'd react really badly to it."

"Which is why I'm saying we won't do it right now. Obviously there are steps to be taken before we can. Meeting your family being unfortunately one of them."

"They're not so bad" Reid looked at Luke with his best unbelieving expression. "Alright, they're kind of intense, but when you get to know them, they're really not so bad. Just overwhelming is all." Reid still looked sceptical. The Snyders were….well they were many. And Reid really, really didn't do well when there were a lot of people around. He was more of a loner; always had been. Big family reunions…well if he was honest with himself, he'd say they positively freaked him out. "Come on Reid it won't be so bad. I'll protect you."

"Well you better." Reid answered looking awkward. "You know how I am in social settings. Being surrounded by a lot of people…Luke that's really not my thing" Luke looked at his boyfriend. He looked younger than his age and he surprisingly looked terrified. The young Snyder knew it would take convincing to get Reid to assist to family reunion, but he wouldn't have thought the older man actually feared them. Luke took pity on him.

"If it scares you so much…."

"It doesn't scare me" Reid denied. Luke raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't. It just…makes me uncomfortable." Luke rolled his eyes. That man and his ego!

"Fine, if it makes you uncomfortable" Luke said, putting emphasis on the word uncomfortable to mock Reid, "then we'll have you meet them individually before a big family reunion happens. How does that sound?"

"It sounds…fair" Reid said slowly.

"Good. Then I'll call my mom and schedule dinner with her" Reid's eyes widened. "What? you want to do this or not Reid? 'Cause if you want us to really be together, then you'll need to meet my family."

"I know but your mom….I mean we had dinner with her that one time."  
"Well yeah, but I didn't officially introduce you as my boyfriend. Plus we could eat with my younger siblings too. Plus it'd be easier to start with her since we've already had dinner with her before"  
"Are you sure? I don't think she likes me much. No wait scratch that: I know she doesn't like me. She was civil sure, but her smiles looked faked"

"Well…it could be true. You don't exactly make the best first impression on people." Reid nodded. It was true. "But before I came to talk to Katie, after you left the pub that day, my mom came and talk to me."

"And let me guess, she told you that you should jump in Noah's arms?" Luke frowned.

"No actually Reid she didn't. At the hospital, she had asked me about what I would do if Noah apologized and told me he'd do anything to get together with me again and what I answered her…it didn't answer her question at all. Mom knew I was suffering and confused and that I was hurting both you and Noah because of that. She wanted me to figure things out, no matter what the answer was. She loves me. She wants me to be happy and you make me happy. She might have loved Noah like her own son, but that doesn't mean she'll hate you 'cause I didn't choose him. Me not being with Noah won't change anything about Mom's feelings for Noah. She won't loose him because of this. My family is basically his family. And sure he probably won't show up to any family reunions where I'm there for a while, but with the neuro-wing being constructed and you being a doctor, we'll probably be too busy to attend all of those reunions anyway. Don't worry so much about her; I think deep down she already knew that day that you would be my choice. She just doesn't know how to act around you and you don't know how to act around her. You're both uncomfortable with each other for some reason. Dinning with her first is a great idea. You need to learn to be comfortable with each other. My mom is probably the one who'll cause you most trouble with that"

Reid felt better now. On a personal level, he didn't really care about Lily Walsh's opinion of him. But Luke lived with her still and if she, deep down beneath the nice smiling facade, hated his guts, visiting Luke would get tricky and very uncomfortable for his boyfriend.

"Alright, so we'll have dinner with mom, then I guess with Dad and Molly and then the grandmothers. I'll leave my siblings for last….or at least Faith. Don't take it personally if she's….uhm…not very welcoming. She's a teen; you know how they are" Reid bit his tongue to keep himself from saying 'Well yeah, I'm dating one'

"And then…." Luke blushed. "I supposed after that we could start planning to move in together. Slowly, you know."

"Yeah, but…."

"But what?" Luke interrupted him. Reid had been the one to suggest living together. Surely he wasn't taking that back.

"As much as I want to move in with you as soon as possible, there's something I need to make sure of first."

Luke frowned. He wondered that could be. He looked at Reid expectantly. "Katie" Reid sighed.

"Katie? I know you need to talk to her and find another roommate but…"

"It's not that. Well there is that but my problem is something else. You want your family to be okay with us before we live together; I want my family to be okay too. Just not in the same way" Luke didn't understand

"But Katie already knows about us and she's basically the reason we're together at all."

"Yeah, we owe that to her. I owe a lot to her. Look Luke, Katie…she's well, she's basically the only family I have" Luke bit his lip to keep himself from saying 'awwww' "and well…She's not over Brad, Luke. She still wakes up in the middle of the night, sobbing after a nightmare of Brad's death. And other times she cries herself to sleep. We've been living together for several months. We have routines. I like routines. A lot. Changing my routine is something hard for me. Something I'll have to prepare myself for before living with you. And one of those routines is that I go in Katie's room when she cries and hug her until she falls asleep. Another one, is that we eat ice cream…well she eats ice cream….I normally eat a sandwich, and we watch a movie, whenever either of us had a bad day or need to be cheered up. When she needs to go to work or to whatever else and I'm home, she knows she can count on me to baby-sit Jacob. Whenever Jacob is sick I'm there to diagnose what's wrong. When he suffers from insomnia, I'm there to sing him Justin Timberlake's songs….it's just….I want to go live with you right now. But I worry about Katie. I've been a constant in her life for months now, someone she can depend on. I don't….I don't feel comfortable with leaving her on her own. It's not that I think she can't take care of herself it's just…."

"That you care about her and you want to protect her."

"Yeah…and I just need to make sure that my leaving won't cause her any trouble at all."

"I'm sure it won't. You won't be moving out tomorrow. If you tell her as soon as possible, she'll have time getting use to the idea. The most important thing is to make sure she knows you'll still be her friend once you move out. You'll see, everything will be fine. She's a lot stronger than you think."

"I know" Reid said. And he really did. Katie was an amazing woman who had somehow found a way into the many layers of protective shells Reid had and made a nest there. Reid wasn't an emotional guy. When people meet him, they see a cold-hearted, distant, anti-social man. And they were right. But every human being felt emotion and were able to create links with their peers; Reid was just the type of person who didn't let people in easily. And because of that, the very few people who were able to make him care for them were extremely important to him. Reid felt silly for being so worried about Katie but he really couldn't help it. She was the first person, along with Jacob, who had made Reid open his heart in years. If it weren't for her, he would probably never have been able to open himself up enough to let Luke in.

"Although it is kinda cute the way you go all overprotective, worry-wart of an older brother on her." Reid frowned. Reid Oliver did **NOT** do cute. He had a reputation to uphold darnit!

"Take that back Snyder. I am NOT cute. I do NOT do cute!"

"Oh really ? Make me" Luke teased. Reid raised an eyebrow and smile. Well, I guess it was time to check whether his boyfriend was ticklish or not. Luke had been smiling teasingly at his partner until suddenly a predatory look appeared in Reid's eyes. And not the nice I'll-take-you-right-here-right-now predatory look. This was another kind of look altogether. Before Luke could even think of an escape plan, he found himself pinned to the bed with Reid tickling him like there was no tomorrow. Luke was screaming and laughing and barely breathing. "Reid…stop…please…" Luke laughed. "Say I'm not cute Snyder, and the tickling will stop" Luke pouted "But you are cute." Reid started the torture again. "Ok! Ok!" Luke screamed. "You're not cute!" Reid stopped tickling and pressed his lips to his boyfriend's. "There see that wasn't that hard now was it?" Luke didn't have the time to answer back though. Reid claimed his lips again this time forcefully, and pinned Luke's arms above his head. Luke hoping Katie had left the apartment again was the last coherent thought the young Snyder was able to have before the sensation his boyfriend's talented hands and lips completely turned off his brain.

/

AN: So that's it for now! I know the chapters aren't really long anymore, but I want to do weekly updates so they'll probably look like that for now on. Anyway, so I'll try really hard to update within the next 7 days! Took a little more time than that this time but school got in the way (Bad school! What can I say? University sometimes is EVIL) So anyway, hoped you liked it! If you have suggestions or ideas on how things could go with Reid meeting Lily or with him meeting Holden/Molly please feel free to tell me. All suggestions are good for inspiration even if I don't actually do the suggestion it might make something click in my mind and make me right. For readers of And nothing else, the update should be up this evening!


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: If I had owned ATWT Reid would be alive because guess what? I actually have a brain, and some respect for the fans. No I'm not bitter at all. I totally don't wish Jean Passanante and co never again have a job in writing and that their houses get teepeed twice a month to signify the sh** they wrote.(sarcasm) And I'm actually a nice, doesn't want to offend anybody type of person so to get me to that point...dude something is REALLY wrong with ya!**

**AN: Hi! I'm not dead though my inspiration has been. My muse left again. If only I could chain her...anyway this is short compare to my usual chapters but it's all that came up for this chapter in this story. If you have any suggestions as to what you'd like to see in the next chapters of this, feel free. Hopefully something you'll say will click with my muse and she'll write something. **

**Chapter 14**

Reid was standing nervously in front of Luke's door. It's not as though he truly cared what Lily Walsh may think of him….it's that Luke cared what his mother thought of Reid. Of course, the last time he had seen her, she had seemed very welcoming and yet there definitively was some tension in the air. He just wasn't sure how to react or how things would go. Suddenly the door opened.

"Dr. Oliver. You're here already. Good, come in. Luke isn't here yet though. He went to the park with Nathalie and Ethan. They just love to play with him. He's so good with kids isn't he?"

"Uh…I wouldn't know. The only kid I'm around is Jacob and I'm normally the one who takes care of him when Luke visits since Jacob is more used to me."

"Katie's kid? I didn't know you were close" Lily said in wonder. She wouldn't have ever imagine Reid Oliver taking care of a baby. Then again, she would have never imagined her son loving someone other than Noah AND being happier with this new person. But he was. And she was determined to like Reid, even though she hadn't really seen anything likeable about him except for making her Luke happy.

"Well, alright" Lily said breaking the tension that had formed. "I think…I think we should use this time alone to talk about a few things . There's obviously some tension and awkwardness and if you're going to be a part of this family then we need to find a way to make them disappear. Or at least get things to a better level for Luke's sake."

"Agreed" Reid said slowly.

"Alright. I'll go first. I think that a part of the problem is that I have shown in the past that I liked Noah a lot. And I do. He's like a son to me. You have to understand that you being with Luke doesn't mean he isn't family" Reid nodded. Oh yeah he knew that already. The precious Noah…Reid tried to shove that small resentment down. She had the right to like Noah after all. "However" Lily started seeing Reid's face harden "that also doesn't mean that you are not family. I don't know you so obviously I can't say you're like a son to me. But….you make my Luke happy. Happier than I have seen in a long time Dr Ol…Reid. And dating Luke….it means you're a part of my family, and a part of the Snyder clan. Our families loving Noah doesn't mean you're not welcome. I'm considered a part of the Snyder clan and yet I'm divorced from Holden and he's now with Molly, who's also now considered a part of the Snyder clan. You will find Reid that once you enter that clan, you never leave it. Even when you separate from the Snyder who got you in the clan in the first place." Somehow that didn't make Reid feel any better. It made him feel worse. Actually, it downright frightened him.

"My god, you look like a deer caught in the head lights. Or like someone that wants to run away real quick. Why is that? We won't eat you Dr. Oliver."

"I have my doubts." Reid said. "It's just…."

"It's just what? You look afraid for your life!" Lily said, starting to get offended.

"I am! Well not afraid for my life but afraid. This family thing…a lot of people…family reunions…I don't do that. My parents didn't do that. My parents didn't do anything but work and show off their genius chess player of a son. I don't know how to act around you. Having a family….Katie and Jacob are the first people I met that I could consider family. There wasn't anyone else before"

And suddenly, it all made sense to Lily. Why the doctor was so anti-social and hard to approach. He just never had any models to follow. He must have been raised by his books! The poor kid. She felt bad for kid Reid, but she made sure not to let it show on her face; this man would not like pity or compassion over this. It's obvious he had moved over these issues and didn't want to deal on them anymore. She respected that. Hell, she wished she could do that!

"Well, you don't have to meet the entirety of the Snyder clan right now. Today, it'll be me, Luke, Ethan, Nathalie and you. It shouldn't be too overwhelming. And at family reunions, sit beside Luke and Katie close to the end of the table. This way, there are fewer people to talk to. Also, Luke's grandma Emma is a very good person to hang out with at those reunions if you don't want to see too many people. Just propose to cook something that you like for the family and she'll allow you in her kitchen. She'll be the only one there and she's the kind of woman who instinctively knows if you're the type of person who enjoys the silence or if you like silence to be filled by conversation and she acts accordingly. Plus she makes excellent food and Luke told me you like eating a lot. My mother though….I'm warning you it could go either way. If she likes you, you can talk with her. If she doesn't, trust me when I say you should stay clear of her and don't EVER let her get under your skin. Lord knows I let her get to me way too often, you really don't need to fall into that pattern too. Although from what I heard about you, you should be able to handle Lucinda just fine." Lily said with a smile.

"Alright. That sounds doable."

"Good. Now how about you practice for your meeting with Emma and help me in the kitchen"

So Reid helped Lily in the kitchen. He was a good cook as Lily found out but preferred his beloved sandwich to any of the other fancier recipes he knew. They worked in silence with the radio playing in the background and Reid found himself getting comfortable. It wasn't expected of him to do small talk so he could now fully relax. Things had been a lot better than he had previously anticipated and waiting for Luke had been easy instead of bothersome.

"Hey mom, we're home!"

"Hey honey! That's great. Reid and I have almost finished making dinner."

Luke stood there flabbergasted. Reid was there? Already? Surely they hadn't stayed at the park that long. Looking at his watch, Luke realised that he had stayed at the park with his siblings past the time he had told Reid to be here. And Reid liked to arrive early because he hated being late.

"Reid…hey" Luke said walking up to his boyfriend and kissing him. He tried to communicate an 'I'm sorry' in the kiss.

"Ewwww" a small voice said behind them. Why are you kissing?" Ethan asked.

"Uhm…well because he's my boyfriend and that's what boyfriends do Ethan" Luke answered.

"Why?"

"Because we love each other."

"Why?"

"Uh…we just do"

"Why?"

"He's in the why phase then" Reid stated looking at Luke. " That's good. The no phase is annoying"

"So is the why phase" Luke whispered back.

"Why do you kiss on the mouth?"

"Because that's where people who love each other kiss"

"You don't kiss me on the mouth, that mean you don't love me?" Ethan asked

"Of course not! It's not the same kind of love!" Luke exclaimed. Reid sighed. Clearly this discussion was going nowhere and could potentially be infinite. He decided to take control of the situation.

"You see Ethan, being in love is a special kind of love. So you need a special kind of place to kiss. Your mom and dad already kiss your forehead, your nose, your hair and your cheek. There isn't anywhere else on the head where you can kiss if you want it to be the only one who kisses there except the mouth and the eyes. And getting kiss on the eyes would be uncomfortable, don't you agree?" Ethan nodded. "So that's why Luke and I kiss on the mouth."

"'Cause you love him special?"

"Yes" Reid answered. Ethan nodded again and then went to watch Tv with his sister.

Luke looked at Reid in surprise. "Wow. You actually handled that well."

"Yes…..I'm surprised too actually." Luke laughed and kissed his boyfriend again.

"Kids kind of freak me out if I'm completely honest" Reid continued sheepishly. Luke thought he looked simply adorable.

"Get that thought out of your head Snyder!" Reid growled.

"Huh?" Luke asked confused.

"Don't 'huh?' me. You know what I'm talking about. You had that look on your face that you get when you think I'm being cute. And I am NOT cute. I don't do cute, it's not me and I demand that you, as my boyfriend, stop thinking I am, when it's clear to everyone else in the world that I am not."

"Actually" Luke rectified mockingly, "I was thinking you were adorable, not cute"

"Luke…." Reid said seriously, grabbing his boyfriend by both shoulders. "That's even worse. Get that word out of your vocabulary. Please." He added emphatically.

"Awwww….you poor baby" Luke mocked him "sometimes you're really so…"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Snyder!"

"…cute!" Luke laughed as Reid groaned.

"You're going to kill my reputation. The nurses will walk all over me and make my life a living hell with their stupid, insipid comments. I'll end up having a burn out or committing murder and that will be on your conscience Snyder!"

"I'll take the risk"

"Come on children, supper time" Lily yelled over the television. Nathalie needs to learn how to watch TV without putting the volume to maximum. It's a wonder any of them still have their eardrums intact.

"Supper!" screamed Ethan enthusiastically, while running to the dinner table. He was the first seated, followed quickly by Reid.

"Food, food, food, food, food!" Ethan exclaimed. Reid looked up to Luke and whispered to him "I like that kid" Luke just rolled his eyes. Of course Reid would appreciate Ethan's hollow leg; he had one of his own!

Dinner went by peacefully. Luke did not know what his mother and Reid had talked about but whatever it was, it allowed both of them to have dinner together in a completely natural way. Although, surprisingly, Reid had talked more to Ethan than he did anyone else. Ethan had made a comment about the food and then Reid had of course butt in with his opinion on the matter and the both of them just seemed to click. And Ethan was fascinated by how knowledgeable Reid was. Being in the why phase, he wanted to know everything about everything and Reid was very good at answering even the weirdest questions. Suffice it to say that Luke enjoyed his evening and thoroughly showed his appreciation of his boyfriend's good behaviour later on that night. And if Luke became that creative in pleasuring Reid after every family dinner, the older man suddenly didn't mind them anymore.

/

AN: Hope you liked even though it's short! Any suggestions are welcome. **Oh and huge thanks to all my (patient) readers out there!**


End file.
